My Lies, Your Lies - Susan Lewis Page 0,125

though she knew they loved each other, and wanted to be together, neither of them could say yet how much damage had been done. Of course they would want to repair it, she was certain he was as committed to that as she was, but she had still to tell him what she’d been holding back from him. Would he feel so committed then? They had deeply wronged one another and though they might want to forgive, she knew that betrayal could act like a slow-growing cancer on a marriage, eating away at the heart of it until it could no longer survive.

‘Are you up to talking now?’ he asked, regarding her closely. ‘You look pretty tired and I’ve already told them I won’t be at work tomorrow.’

She was tired, and the pain each time she moved seemed to be getting worse rather than better, but she wasn’t going to allow herself to put this off any longer. ‘Let’s at least start talking now,’ she said, pulling out a chair to sit down. It didn’t ease the throbbing in her shoulder, but it was good to get off her feet. She wondered fleetingly if the discomfort was going to make it hard to think straight, but since she was OK for the moment she watched him sit down and said, ‘There’s something I should have told you a while ago. I wanted to … Actually that’s not true, I didn’t want to. I hoped you’d never have to know, but keeping it from you is, I know, what caused things to go wrong between us. I was so scared, so worried … I could hardly make myself look at you, or speak to you … I wanted to shut you out, or shut myself away …’

‘Joely,’ he said softly, ‘you’re not making much sense.’

Aware that she wasn’t she stared down at her glass and saw in its reflection everything she’d never wanted to see again, the bar, the faces, the stairs, the many rooms, the taxi, the search for her handbag, her phone …

‘Why were you scared?’ he prompted.

Deciding that the only way to do this was to come right out with it, she braced herself and said, ‘I slept with someone. I mean, I had sex with him. I don’t know his name, it only happened once, but it happened and I’ve hardly been able to live with myself since. I know to some people that might not seem a big deal, but it was to me. I became terrified that I might have caught something, or what if I was pregnant? What would I say to you? I couldn’t let you think it was yours if it might not be. I wouldn’t be able to give it up …’

‘Were you pregnant?’ he asked.

She shook her head. ‘No! But I still couldn’t live with the fact that I’d done it, that I’d brought something like it into our home.’ Seeing his eyes widen she rushed on, ‘Not right inside, it didn’t happen here, please don’t think that, but the shame was in me, the knowledge that I was capable of being that sort of person. I couldn’t tell you about it. I didn’t want you to feel ashamed too, or disgusted, or tainted even.’ She pressed a hand to her head as the irrational panic of that time spread through her again. ‘He could have killed me,’ she cried, ‘or followed me and threatened Holly. Anything could have happened, and I kept thinking that it would. Every time the phone rang, or someone knocked on the door I was terrified it might be him. It never was, I don’t think he has any idea where I live; he probably doesn’t know my name either, but I couldn’t be sure of that.’ She stopped, not wanting to go any further, even though she knew she’d have to.

‘Can you be sure of it now?’ he asked quietly.

She nodded and shook her head. ‘I think so. Yes … I …’

‘How long ago did it happen?’

‘It was about six weeks after Dad died. Do you remember you had to go to Glasgow for a conference, and Holly stayed with Mum while I had a night out with my agent and a few of his other clients. We went for something to eat at The Ivy and afterwards a few of us carried on to Soho House. I got so drunk … I’m not sure how much I had, but it seemed to affect