Like rats, the problems gnawed away at what remained bit by bit. Like rats, they multiplied.
Yan Ling scooped the tea leaves into the special enamel cups. Her hand trembled slightly as she lifted the pot of steaming water. That small break brought him back to himself. These problems weren’t meant for her or the other servants. He was wrong to involve all of them.
‘I apologise for my anger,’ he said.
He had been completely stricken senseless by the sight of his father’s young concubine shaved bald. Even the thought of such foolishness made his pulse rise once more.
Steam rose from the cups and Yan Ling gently placed the lids over them to let the leaves steep. She sat back with her hands in her lap.
Her fingers twined together. ‘Lady Min came to me last night—’
‘We should speak of other things,’ he interrupted.
‘I think her intentions were well meaning.’
He let out a slow breath. She wasn’t going to spare him this shame. ‘How is bringing scandal upon this house well meaning?’ he asked. ‘Lady Min has no reason to complain. She was once a servant in our household before my father made her his concubine.’
Fei Long’s own father had always let his passionate nature get the best of him. Shame soured his stomach once again. It was impossible to hide such personal family matters from Yan Ling while she lived here among them.
‘She isn’t complaining. Lady Min praised your father as a generous and joyful man.’
‘Do you know how this looks? First my sister, Pearl, runs away, then Lady Min shaves her head to become a nun to escape. There is no discipline in this house. No harmony.’
‘It is this woman’s humble opinion—’
He raised an eyebrow at that. It was one of the phrases he’d introduced during their daily lessons and now she was wielding it. He didn’t know whether to be pleased or irritated that she was putting it to practice to placate him.
‘—that the women of this household may have enjoyed a certain freedom under your father’s most generous care.’
He could see how she struggled with the words. How they lingered on her tongue, a bite too large to swallow easily.
‘The lady came to me yesterday and asked for my help,’ Yan Ling blurted out. She looked exhausted from speaking so delicately. ‘I think she didn’t want to be a burden, that was all.’
She was trying valiantly and his heart softened. ‘What do you suggest?’ he asked.
‘Being a nun can’t be the easiest life. Let the lady do as she’s chosen and the good energy from it may come back to you.’
‘Karma?’ he offered.
She looked relieved. ‘Yes. Karma.’
He leaned back, considering her argument. The difficult matter wasn’t that his father’s concubine now wished to become a Buddhist nun or that Pearl had been so devastated by being sent to a foreign lord that she went against duty and honour to run away. What Yan Ling could never understand was that he was responsible for all of them. Min had been utterly devoted to his father, yet she had gone to a stranger first to try to solve her problems. And his sister had become desperate enough to run away after he’d disregarded her plea for help. He was a failure at holding this household together.
‘Will you abandon me as well?’ he asked tonelessly.
She frowned. ‘I don’t understand, my lord.’
His throat closed tight and he had to force out the words. ‘Our arrangement is an unusual one. I have no assurance you won’t decide one day that it’s no longer worth the sacrifice.’
If Yan Ling suddenly ran away like Pearl and Min, he’d be left with nothing. The family name would fall completely to ruin. Fei Long had also put his hopes on an outsider. The uncertainty left him vulnerable and darkened his spirit. The shadow of it had hovered over him during their journey and it clung to him now. This was the closest he’d ever come to admitting this fear to her.
‘Is our arrangement what you truly want, Yan Ling? We have at least been honest with one another. If you have any doubt, tell me now.’
‘I have no doubt, my lord.’
He didn’t believe her. Her voice hitched and she ran the tip of her tongue over her lip before biting into it.
‘Don’t do that,’ he reminded gently. She stopped this time.
‘I have no doubt about this,’ she repeated with more iron behind the words. ‘I’ll see this through to the end. I swear it.’