My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding - By Katya Starkey Page 0,79
the phone. “Something tells me I’m low on petrol.”
***
My soon-to-be-husband certainly got his message across about my unwillingness to ever cook for him again. It’s blissful night time now and all is forgiven as we tumble about in bed.
“You’re losing too much weight.” Callum tells me flatly.
“Shut up and stop complimenting me so we can finish.”
“I’m not complimenting you, Em. I want you to stop dieting and over exercising.”
The bed tumbling ceases completely. “But surely me being thinner is a good thing.” I sit up and turn on the bedside table lamp.
“Thinner is one thing.” Callum traces his finger along my tummy. “Having pokey hip bones is another.”
“They’re not pokey.” I scoff. “They’re actually just visible for the first time in like… forever.”
“I can see your collar bones too.”
“Shut up, I’ve always had collar bones. Besides, what if I were naturally becoming stick thin now? Are you saying you wouldn’t love me if my metabolism changed?”
My dastardly fiancé takes ages to reply, so I give him a prompting jab in the ribs with my elbow.
“Ow!” He complains. “Your bony elbow really gouges now.”
“You’re such a chump! There’s just no pleasing you!”
Callum laughs and hugs me around my middle. “I’m only teasing, honey. It doesn’t matter what size you are, I love you for you.
“That’s the right answer.” I harrumph loudly. “But how do I know you’re telling the truth?”
“I have an idea.”
I look down at him suspiciously.
“Why don’t you let me make more car bonnet cooked potatoes for you until you’re of a size that confines you too bed. Then you’ll see how far my love for you spreads.”
Laughing at his foolishness, I shake my head. “Will your love spread to my fat that would end up hanging over the sides of the bed?”
Kiss on my belly button. “Yes.”
“And would your love spread to feeding me so many car bonnet baked potatoes that I’d explode?”
Kiss on my arm. “No. If you exploded you’d be dead and I’m not into necrophilia.”
I snort a grunt of disgust. “Why are we even having this conversation? I’m not going to let you force feed me while I lie around in bed all day.”
“Perhaps not, but you’re going to have to let Lara feed you wedding meals over the next few days.”
I don’t know what my betrothed is on about now, and he doesn’t elaborate. I’m happy to get back to a bit of bed tumbling anyway, as I feel our discussion was headed for a disastrous conclusion.
Our love making is a welcome end to the most wretched and poo filled day I can ever remember having endured.
Chapter 18
I hear muffled voices conversing as I make my way downstairs this morning.
“Lara?” I say incredulously. “What are you doing here?”
“I knew it.” She looks at my fiancé. “You didn’t tell her.”
“I did.” Callum glances at me. “I told you last night, remember honey?”
“Told me what?” I’m starting to lose patients with these two.
“We’re going on a bridal show holiday!” Lara bursts with enthusiasm.”
“A what?” I finish walking down the remaining steps.
“Lara is taking you to wedding conferences around the county, Em.”
“She is?” I squint questioningly at them both.
“I am.” Lara answers.
“What on earth for?” I still don’t quite know what’s going on around here. “Bridal fairs can hardly be called holiday hot spots.”
“You deserve a relax though, babe. And this way you can sample more delights for the wedding.”
Oh. Now I understand. I remember Callum mentioning something about him wanting me to eat more, last night. So he thinks he’s going to fatten me up by sending me off on some bridal show excursion, does he? “But Paige is already providing our wedding menu.”
Lara and Callum exchange glances of mutual agreement.
“Not everyone will want to eat health foods at our wedding, dear.” Callum kisses me on the cheek and departs through the front door. “Have fun you two, I’ll see you in a couple of days.”
A couple of days? “I can’t just leave the cafe for days on end.”
“It’s all taken care of with Anika and Fiona. Callum sorted it out for you, Em.”
I guess there’s nothing else for it. I’m off to bridal shows around the county and I’m going to have to enjoy myself whether I like it or not. The fact of the matter is though, I’m determined not to enjoy myself too much on the food tasting front. Damn it. I should have brought plastic baggies with me or something. I’m thinking about spitting out whatever I take bites of at the