My Big Fat Low-Fat Wedding - By Katya Starkey Page 0,57

suggesting the latest sex positions, they also have other advice. Like for instance, scrutinizing celebrity stances. Apparently I should stand with my to pointing at an angle. One hand should be on my hip while the other dangles long at my side. My shoulders should be pushed back and down as though I’m getting ready for a ballet move.

The first time I try this stance I nearly fall over backwards. The camera timer clicks. “Oh shit.” I curse out loud. I’m quite certain I haven’t got the snap shot I want just yet. My fears are confirmed when I go around to the other side of the camera and playback the photo on the digi screen.

In the image I look like I’m just about to fall on my arse.

Well, that won’t do. I press some buttons on the camera again, but this time I opt for a ten second lapse instead of five to give me more time to sort out my bloody posture! On my way back towards the balcony, my heel catches in the thick carpet and I go down sprawling. I land on my big boobs, which really hurts.

“Ouch,” I whimper and roll onto my back. Only I could manage to fall over wearing wedges with thick heels.

Is all this really worth it? Well, the lady at the local newspaper did say the article pays four hundred pounds. At this point though, I’m feeling like I weigh close to that in lbs!

Click.

The camera takes yet another unsuitable snap of me lying on the floor.

So much for the ten second delay being ample time for me. I’ll have to choose the twenty second setting next time, which is exactly what I do after getting up off the floor. I’m careful to walk slowly away from the camera this time as well. So as not to trip up on the thick carpet once again.

I make it to the balcony windows without even stumbling. Carefully, ever so carefully, I strike a pose that’s supposed to make me look natural, as though I’m not even posing at all.

And now I wait for the shutter to release on the camera. There’s a smile plastered across my face, my chest is sticking out and I’ve sucked in my gut. I’m holding my breath so as not to screw up the pose.

Come on you stupid camera! I scream inside my head. I’m refuse to breathe and it’s making my eyes are start to water.

Finally the damn thing clicks and I suck in a breath of much needed air. “Phooooooooooo.” I hiss, breathing outwards then gasping once again.

Well this is fantastic. What is this latest attempt at a suitable photo going to look like, I wonder?

I unstrap my stacked wedges and kick off my sandals before walking back to the camera on its tripod mount. When I look at the digi image on the screen I’m surprised to find that my face doesn’t look like it’s about to explode at all. The wateriness that my eyes had suffered while holding in my breath has resulted in a lovely sparkle to my irises.

Satisfied that this photo will have to do, I attach it to an email and send it off to Naomi at the Gazette. After all the trouble the one image cost me though, I don’t know how I’d manage to get through an entire photoshoot if I should be selected.

***

And…!

I’ve been selected.

“I’ve been selected, Cal!” I yell into the FaceTime video call with my fiancé.

“Are you sure you’re up to this?” Callum’s reply is a question that lacks excitement.

“Yeah, course I am.” I frown, causing my nose to shift. I’ve got an annoying bogie stuck up one nostril. I sniff loudly, but it doesn’t have any booger dislodging effects.

“Well, all right then. Have fun, my darling.”

“Just one sec, Cal.” I’ve got to get this annoying piece of snot out of my nose. There’s no more tissues left in the box on the coffee table though. Quickly, I turn the phone away and stick my finger right up my nostril. I’ve forgotten about the length of my acrylic manicure. “Ouch.”

“Something the matter, honey?” I hear Callum’s muffled voice from my phone. “Where did you go?”

Pulling my finger out of my nose, I turn the phone back towards my face. My eyes are slightly watering from the sting of nearly jabbing my inner brain with my long fingernail.

Sniff. “I’ve got to go if I’m going to make it to the newspaper on time.” Without waiting for