A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis - Robyn Peterman Page 0,74

as Darth Vader, John Travolta had a nice ring to it.

“Do you think the authorities will show up?” Heather asked, still looking out of the window at the massive crater in my yard.

“Oh crap,” I said. “We’re pretty much in the middle of nowhere, but that was a big explosion.”

Tim pulled a police scanner from his pocket and checked it. “Nope. All clear.”

Tim had many strange things in his plethora of pockets…

“Back to business,” Gideon said.

“I agree,” Heather said, turning away from the window. “Clarissa said she would kill everyone who means anything to you?”

Heather had been mortified that leaving her car here had led to me being unprotected—hence a visit from Clarissa. I’d told her ad nauseam that it was my fault, not hers, but she wasn’t having any of it. With the way she’d been trailing me since she arrived, I was worried she wasn’t going to leave my side for the rest of my life.

“Yes,” I replied with a shudder. “I think it would be an excellent plan to get Jennifer, June and Missy out of here for a while.”

“I agree,” Gideon said.

“As do I,” my father added.

“I’m sending them away immediately,” Charlie said, running his hands over his balding head. “Nothing will happen to June or the other women on my watch.”

“Won’t they be safer here with us to protect them?” Tim inquired as he swept the glass up off the floor in my living room.

“I’ll take them somewhere and watch over them,” Candy said. “I need a vacation anyways. I’ll get those gals out of town and show them a great time.” She clapped her hands and restored the blown-up staircase. “And I’ll kill the shit out of anyone who tries to harm them. I’ve been itching for a fight lately. Annihilating someone would seriously work for me.”

“That sounds a little iffy to me,” I said. Candy could barely get through the luncheon with my friends without sticking her foot in her mouth and pulling it out of her butt. I couldn’t imagine a vacation with the foursome.

“Nah, it’s a great plan,” Candy said. “I’m excellent at bumping off shit. Plus, I can share a room with the gals. Tim would have to be in a separate room, leaving them open to danger.”

“When did I get volunteered to go?” Tim asked, perplexed.

“You didn’t,” Candy said. “I was just making a fucking point.”

“Candy Vargo, you have a mouth like a sailor, but I have to agree that you could protect them gals,” Gram said, zipping into the room and fluttering around Birdie with concern. “I just don’t want to hear you were picking your teeth in public when y’all get back.”

My head jerked to Gram and I watched her closely. If she’d heard us talking about my mother, she could go zombie on me again. Fortunately, she wasn’t behaving robotically. I expelled a sigh of relief that she hadn’t overheard anything. I was ready to veer the conversation away from talk of my mother with Gram in the room. Hurting her was not on the agenda. Ever.

“What if I have food in my teeth?” Candy asked, trying to win back the rights to her disgusting bad habit.

“Then you carry a dang toothbrush in your purse and excuse yourself to find a bathroom,” Gram told her.

“Oh my God,” Candy groaned. “I have to carry a purse?”

I laughed and shook my head. Gram was going to be the death of the old Candy Vargo and the creator of the newer, more refined version. How was that for karma?

Gram was surprisingly fine about Jimmy Joe Johnson moving on. We never did find all of him, but Gideon had used some strong magic that rocked the house. Literally. The golden glow had come for Jimmy Joe, and he’d been restored to his former self even though his ghostly body had been in pieces. He’d promised to wait for Gram up in Heaven and then cried as expected. He’d thanked me in advance for sending off his very tardy credit card payment, and also for taking such loving care of his house. Steve had been delighted with the story and told Jimmy Joe he’d meet up with him in the future.

The thought of Steve leaving didn’t tear at me as much as it had when he’d first come back. We’d worked out so many of our issues and both of us were happy and at peace. I would never stop loving him and would always miss him. But when he was