A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis - Robyn Peterman Page 0,30
learned Birdie’s real name was Ethel and that she’d been dead for over thirty years. Thirty years was an incredibly long time to have stayed around, but Ethel was an odd one. She wasn’t fond of peas and she’d died of a heart attack shortly after performing fellatio on a famous politician who she refused to name. Not that I wanted to know who it was, but Gram was extremely put out that Ethel was keeping secrets.
“I’m gonna go Google it,” Gram announced.
“Google what?” I asked.
“Who Birdie was blowin’ the night she kicked the bucket,” Gram replied.
Thank God I wasn’t drinking anything because I would have snorted it out of my nose. “Umm… don’t think you’re going to find that on the internet. Plus, you can’t exactly use the computer. You’re dead,” I pointed out.
“And that’s where you’re wrong, Daisy girl—not about the expired part, seein’ I’m as dead as a doornail,” Gram announced triumphantly as her deceased boyfriend, Jimmy Joe Johnson, floated next to her and puffed out his semi-transparent chest proudly.
Jimmy Joe Johnson—aka the Mayor of Squatter Town, as I’d named him—used to cry all the time. However, now that he and Gram were courting, he smiled constantly. As unsettling as it was that my dead grandmother was dating, if she was happy then I was happy.
“Enlighten me,” I said, sure I would regret it.
“Well now, Jimmy Joe here discovered that if you yell the word annexa real loud at the black circle box thingie, it darn well answers you back. It’s magic,” Gram informed me, throwing her hands in the air with delight.
“Wait. What?” I asked, trying not to laugh. “Annexa?”
“Yep. Had to look the dang word up,” she said. “Means an accessory or adjoining anatomical parts or appendages. Doesn’t make much sense, but it works.”
“I think you mean Alexa,” I told her.
“Well, butter my butt and call it a biscuit,” Gram yelled. “Are you sure? I mean, when I shout annexa, the dang black circle box thingie ignores me. But since my Jimmy Joe has somewhat of a passed-on speech impediment, he can make that piece of metal sing.”
“I’m sure it’s Alexa,” I replied.
Ghosts using the Echo was yet one more unbelievable occurrence in my new normal. Of course, it shouldn’t surprise me that the black circle box thingie could understand the dead when humans couldn’t. It was a sly little contraption that I was pretty sure could read minds. All I had to do was think about something I wanted to buy and it was full of suggestions of where to purchase it.
“Good to know, sweetie pie,” Gram said over her shoulder as she and her beau, Jimmy Joe, floated away. “I’ll let you know what I find out.”
“Great. Can’t wait,” I muttered, eyeing Ethel, who grinned and lifted her middle finger. “You’re a pain in my ass.”
“Hoooooooookaaah,” she cackled.
“Listen to me, Ethel,” I said, blowing out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t dive into your mind right now, which is good and bad. Good because I’m terrified to take a trip into your head and bad because I probably need to. However, you’re going to slap your hand down on the Ouija board again and try to answer my questions. You feel me?”
“Yausssss.”
“Good.”
Using the Ouija board wasn’t like a dead man or woman mind dive. It was distinctly different. I’d learned that if a ghost and I touched the board at the same time, we could have a conversation of sorts. Ethel’s voice was distant and slightly off. I could make out what she was saying for the most part, but was aware I was missing some of it. I would have been happy to have missed the circumstances around her pornographic death, but unfortunately that had come through loud and clear.
“Ethel,” I said, trying again.
“No Ethel. Like Birdie,” she said in a whispery voice, raising her middle finger.
I laughed. “Got it. Birdie, can you tell me if you knew Missy when you were alive?”
“No,” she said.
“No, you didn’t know her, or no, you won’t tell me?” I pressed.
“Didn’t know alive,” Birdie said, her voice growing fainter.
“Shit,” I mumbled. I needed to ask easier questions. I wasn’t helping myself or Birdie. “You did not know Missy when you were alive. Nod your head if I’m correct.”
She nodded her head vigorously. I was delighted it didn’t fall off. I’d used two full tubes of superglue when I’d reattached it.
“When you said Missy was going to die for me, was that a literal statement?”