A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis - Robyn Peterman Page 0,25
She refused to marry him since she was wildly in love with the unfortunately named lawman. Heather and Missy were headed toward something, and I was head over heels for the Grim Reaper.
Strange, but somehow perfect.
“Alrighty then, since June needs to get ready to bang her hubby, let’s get this game going. Who’s gonna challenge me?” Jennifer asked.
“Pretty sure you already won the open-mouth-insert-foot title with that last comment,” I said with an eye roll.
June simply laughed and shook her head.
“I will challenge you,” Tim said.
Oh shit.
“Excellent,” Jennifer shouted, causing everyone to wince.
I wasn’t sure if everyone’s reaction was because of the volume of her voice or the fear of what was about to go down.
“Let’s get this over with,” Heather said, knowing she’d live to regret her words. “On your marks. Get set. Go.”
Rubbing her little hands together with delight, Jennifer teasingly narrowed her eyes at Tim. He was slowly getting the hang of being with others and grinned right back at Jennifer.
“Wombats poop cubes,” Jennifer announced.
“Hells bells, do they have square buttholes?” Gram asked.
I glanced over at Gram and gave her a look. It simply wouldn’t do for someone to answer her accidentally.
Tim nodded his appreciation of Jennifer’s useless info and cleared his throat. “I challenge you with the fact that the ancient Romans used the crushed brains of mice as toothpaste.”
Candy looked like she was going to poop a brick… similar to a wombat. The Keeper of Fate had been alive during that time period and clearly had brushed her teeth with rodent cranium matter. However, she quickly recovered.
“Of course not,” Candy said with a weak chuckle. “I meant that it must have tasted like ass.”
“While that was impressive,” Jennifer told Tim with a naughty grin, “I offer you that sixty-three planet Earths can fit inside Uranus.”
“Not my anus,” Heather muttered as Missy punched her in the arm.
“Outstanding statistic,” Tim congratulated Jennifer. “I can beat that. If you consume fast food regularly, you eat about twelve pubic hairs a year.”
“Okay. That completely ruined my life,” I gagged out. “No more fast food for me.”
“Or me,” June added with a shudder.
Jennifer, never one to give up, continued. “Lorne Green had one of his nipples bitten off by an alligator when he was the TV host of that nature show.”
“What the ever-loving hell?” Heather yelled. “No way.”
“Yes way! Read it on the internet so it’s true!” Jennifer shot back, massively proud of her nightmare-worthy trivia.
Heather squinted at Jennifer in disbelief. “You believe everything you read on the internet?”
“Hell no,” Jennifer replied with a laugh. “But it’s damn useful in certain situations—like right now.”
“Very nice and hopefully inaccurate,” Tim choked out with his hand over his shirt-covered nipple in solidarity with the possibly maimed Lorne Green. “But I am prepared to take you down. An early form of contraception included soaking dried beaver testicles in a strong alcohol solution and drinking it.”
The entire group turned slightly green, including Tim. However, that didn’t stop Jennifer.
“I’m gonna remember that one,” she said, giving Tim a thumbs up. “It’ll go over like a lead balloon at the next Gladiolas ladies club meeting. Thank you.”
“Welcome,” Tim said. “Do I win?”
“In your dreams,” Jennifer shot back, eliciting moans of pain from Heather, Missy, June, Candy, me and even Gram. “There have been documented reports of vacuum toilets on planes and cruise ships sucking the rectums out of people.”
“Good Lord, no more fast food, flying or cruising for me,” June said with a wince.
“This party has gone to Hell,” I said, shaking my head and regretting inviting Candy and Tim.
“In a handbasket,” Missy agreed.
“I think my soul just withered up and took a vacation.” June laughed, fanning herself with her napkin.
“Impossible,” Tim replied, growing very serious. “Your soul is propelled into your body when you’re in the womb. At birth it becomes an invisible force that blesses you with life. At the end of your Earthly tenure, your soul is catapulted into a luminous dimension at the moment of your demise. So, don’t worry about it taking a vacation. It’s not in the bounds of reasonable actions for your soul.”
The luncheon went from the bowels of Hell into the bizarre realms of Heaven. No one uttered a word. Although, Heather gave Tim the stink eye. It was insanely tricky to mix humans and Immortals… or maybe it was just Tim. He’d be getting a few more lessons on acceptable human