A Most Excellent Midlife Crisis - Robyn Peterman Page 0,15

was a murder,” he said in a sad whisper. “The Angel of Mercy is guilty.”

My satisfaction was fleeting. An exhaustion I’d never known consumed me and a darkness pulled me forward. Closing my eyes, I let go.

There was nothing else I was capable of doing.

My mission was complete. Steve would go into the light.

I had no clue if tomorrow would come for me. The price had been higher than I’d ever imagined, but I would pay it again in a heartbeat.

Chapter Five

While I was fairly sure I wasn’t dead, I was positive I’d landed in one of the rings of Hell. My body felt like it had been hit by a Mack truck and the argument I could hear defied logic.

“Quit gettin’ your knickers in a knot,” Gram chastised. “I’m tellin’ you this for your own good. A toothpick hanging out of your mouth twenty-four-seven is uncouth. That habit is so ugly it would make a freight train take a dirt road in the middle of a flood.”

“You’re a pain in my ass,” Candy griped.

“Tell me something I don’t know, little missy,” Gram shot back with a cackle of glee. “And while we’re on the subject of rumps, you need a wardrobe overhaul. Those baggy clothes are a tragedy waitin’ to happen—your dang rear end looks like a flat pancake. I’m tellin’ you right now, you look like ten miles of bad road after you’ve been chewed up and spit out. If you want a male suitor or a female suitor, you’re gonna have to do some laundry occasionally.”

“You done with the compliments yet?” Candy inquired.

“Just gettin’ started,” Gram informed the Keeper of Fate.

Hell’s bells, if there was ever a time to be stuck in limbo, this was not it. Gram was screwing with Karma. Of course, Gram was dead, but Candy Vargo didn’t seem to be one who played by the rules. I had no idea if fate could mess with the dead.

“Give me your best, old woman,” Candy said.

“Well now, ain’t that the pot calling the kettle black?” Gram inquired. “How old are you?”

“Point to Gram,” Candy said with a laugh. “And to answer your question, I’m older than dirt. Literally. So, give me your best, young lady.”

“Much better, and I’m gonna do just that,” Gram informed her. “You need some meat on you, Candy Vargo. You need to eat, girlie girl. You’re so skinny if you stood sideways and stuck your tongue out, you’d look like a zipper.”

Oh my freaking God. Laughing, screaming or duct-taping Gram’s mouth shut were all fine ideas, but I was capable of none of those things. I tried with everything I had to pry my eyes or my mouth open, but to no avail. I wondered briefly if one of the ghosts had superglued them shut as a joke. Gram was skating on thin ice, and there was no way to stop her.

“Do you have a death wish?” Candy asked.

Gram laughed. “Too late for that. Already dead.”

“Then why, may I ask, are you crawling up my ass?”

“Couple of reasons,” Gram told her. “One, it passes the time until my Daisy girl wakes up. Two… I care.”

“I call bullshit,” Candy snapped angrily.

“Call whatever you want,” Gram said. “You need some dang friends and I’ve decided that I’m one of them. You’re a hot mess and I’m fixin’ to set you up right before I have to go. You have nice eyes and a lovely smile when you decide to use it. Course, you need a haircut and a bath, but that’s on the list.”

“The list?” Candy asked, shocked.

“Yep,” Gram confirmed. “It’s about a mile long, but I figure if we knock off a couple things a day we’ll be done in about a year.”

“Shit,” Candy muttered with a chuckle. “Your nards are huge.”

“Lady balls,” I whispered softly. “Gram has lady balls like me.”

“Daisy’s awake,” Gram squealed.

I felt a rush of cool wind as the ghosts surrounded me and began to chatter unintelligibly. Slowly, my eyes opened—and I screamed.

Candy Vargo’s face was approximately an inch from mine, and Gram’s face was squished next to Candy’s.

“Told you that you needed to work on your appearance,” Gram told Candy as she fluttered around me. “Daisy girl, can you hear me, darlin’?”

“Yes,” I whispered, sitting up in my bed gingerly. “Steve. Where’s Steve?”

“Right here,” he called out as he flew to my side.

Squinting my eyes, I wondered if I was dreaming or if what I was seeing was accurate. Steve wasn’t alive, but he was in the