The Moment of Letting Go - J. A. Redmerski Page 0,114
looks at Luke and then at Seth. Seth looks at Luke and shrugs and swigs his beer. Luke’s hand squeezes my waist again.
“Sienna, if you don’t—”
“No, I’m really OK with it,” I cut in. “If you want to go, I’m all for tagging along.” If that’s true, why do I still feel this dread in my heart?
Come on, Sienna, you can do this, I tell myself. I know I’ll probably never accept the BASE jumping, but I at least want to be supportive in the other things Luke loves to do: cliff-diving, a little dangerous surfing every now and then, skydiving—I want to make an effort to accept these things, because Luke’s worth it. And I have to remind myself that when it comes to heights, my fears are more irrational than most people’s.
“I think we have a verdict!” Seth says.
Kendra beams across the table at me.
“You’re all right,” she says, her way of thanking me not only for wanting me and Luke to go with them, but for everything else, too.
Luke’s lips fall on the side of my neck.
“I guess it’s settled then,” he says and he can’t mask the excitement in his voice.
It’s not until they start talking about Norway that I become the quiet one, sitting on Luke’s lap, listening, and trying to take it all in. They go on and on about it—things I sort of get, most of it I don’t: Equipment. Gear. This and that. Jumping off the Troll Wall. July ninth. And more about Landon.
Finally, when I can’t sit silently any longer, I ask, “Why is July ninth so important?”
The table gets quiet.
“It would’ve been Landon’s twenty-third birthday,” Luke says.
Kendra speaks up, all traces of excitement from before gone from her face. “It was something Landon wanted us all to do after China.”
“To honor Landon,” Luke says as he combs his fingers through my hair, “we agreed to go ahead with the plans and jump in Norway on his birthday.”
“Oh,” I say.
“And then next year,” Seth joins in, always with a smile, “we’ll be heading to Mexico and Australia, baby!” He leans his long arm across the table and bumps fists with Luke. I smile and laugh … No, I fake smile and fake laugh. Then Seth drinks down the last of his beer and heads toward the fridge. Kendra, without realizing it, saves me from having to explain the look creeping up on my face, the one I know is akin to another kind of fear—fear for Luke’s life. She jumps up from the table, trying to get to the fridge before Seth.
“Hey! Back off, Ken-doll!” He puts his big arm out and easily holds her at bay.
“Stop calling me that!” she growls, grabs him around the waist, worms her way past his giant form, and snatches the last two beers right out of his hand.
“Those are mine!” Luke calls out, and Seth and Kendra both freeze in their steps. “You want one?” he asks me quietly.
I shake my head. “No. I’m good.”
“Have at ’em,” he says, and their bodies reanimate as they scuffle a moment, only to end up with a beer each in the end.
I often wonder why the two of them aren’t together because they really seem into each other, but maybe they are holding everything back for the sake of friendship; I don’t know. I’d probably ask them about it right now, put them on the spot and join in on their fun, but this whole Norway thing in a couple of weeks is too heavy on my mind.
Luke tightens his arms around me.
“You sure you want to go with us tomorrow?” he asks.
His smile and those beautiful eyes that regard me with emotions I can’t begin to explain are enough to erase my newfound fear. Even if only for a little while.
I lean in and kiss his lips. “Yeah, definitely,” I say. “I look forward to seeing some of this world above the clouds that makes you the way you are.”
He presses his lips to my forehead.
“I can’t wait to show you,” he says, and I get lost in his smile.
It’s important to me that Luke know I’m not in his life to change his life, and I don’t want to be the reason he doesn’t go out with his friends and do the things that make him happy. I like him the way he is and I respect his close relationship with his friends. But another part of me is so afraid for him, for all