size square. Nervous? I organized my closet. Mad? Upset? Bored? I found something to straighten up. I got teased a lot, and I felt really stupid for being so picky about stuff. But even so, when I felt empty or insecure, I tried to make something perfect since I couldn’t make myself perfect.”
Lori’s jaw went slack. “That can’t be. You’re so…so…”
He arched a brow. “What?”
Lori sputtered and couldn’t seem to find words.
Kenzie moved to the sofa and perched on the arm next to Lori. “You always seem so confident.”
He slowly shook his head, his eyes sad. “Looks can be deceiving. I still battle the need for order. But I’m better, thanks to counseling and a church family that loved on me and helped me believe I was worth something.” For a moment, his forehead pinched, as if a sudden pain claimed him. But he took in a breath, and the expression cleared. “If habits can be made, they can be broken. You can break your overeating habit, Lori.”
Lori released a rueful chuckle. “I don’t know. When I start, it’s like…” She rolled her eyes toward the ceiling, then looked at Kenzie. “Kenz, remember when you came over last summer and we watched that documentary about the ocean? There was a segment about sharks.”
Kenzie cringed. She’d had nightmares after seeing a shark tear apart an injured fish. “I’d rather not think about it.”
“But it’s the best way I can explain what happens inside of me.” Lori shifted toward Brother Jase and steepled her hands under her chin. “When the shark got the scent of blood, it went crazy. It ripped into the food source like it was battling for survival, and it didn’t stop until every piece of that fish was either eaten or so shredded it wasn’t worth grabbing.” She pressed her palms to her chest. “That’s how I am when I’m sad or lonely or feeling bad about myself. I start eating and I can’t stop. I keep going and going until my stomach is so full it hurts and I feel sick. But even though I know it’s going to make me feel that way, I still do it. Like I have no control.”
Lori covered her face with her hands. “I can’t believe I just told you that. You’ll never be able to look at me again without envisioning me gorging myself on brownies or…or tearing apart a fish.”
Kenzie slid to her knees in front of Lori and took hold of her wrists. “I love you, Lori, and nothing you said changes that. You use food to fill yourself up. It’s not that different than me trying to do everything right so I’d be complete.”
Lori lowered her hands and peered at Kenzie from the corners of her eyes. “What do you mean?”
“In my community, we lived by the Ordnung—an unwritten list of dos and don’ts. People who didn’t abide by it suffered disapproval, sometimes even shunning.”
Lori sniffled. “What’s that?”
“Being treated like you’re dead.”
Lori shuddered. “That’s awful.”
Kenzie nodded. “I didn’t want to be shunned. So I tried to keep all the rules. But I couldn’t. Because no one can. No one in human skin, anyway.”
She let go of Lori’s wrists and stood, facing Lori and Brother Jase. “I got filled up when I found Jesus. Now when I mess up, I ask for forgiveness and God makes me whole again. The missionaries who told me about Jesus said the Holy Spirit would come to me. Jesus called Him the Comforter, and I know He’s in me. He keeps me filled up. He can fill you, too, Lori.”
Jase
He’d stayed quiet and listened, but the excitement stirring in Jase’s chest couldn’t be squelched. He sat up and looked at Lori. “Have you asked Jesus to be your Savior?”
Lori nodded. “Yes. At church camp when I was thirteen. My dad sent me to camp mostly to get me out of his hair for a week. I prayed with my counselor one night and accepted Jesus, and I got baptized at Beech Street by Brother Kraft after I got back from camp.”
“Then you have the Holy Spirit in you.” Beneath his breastbone, Jase felt as if something danced. As if his heart was coming to life again. “You have what Kenzie called the Comforter. You don’t need food, Lori. With the Holy Spirit’s help, you can break your habit of using food as your filler. You already know it’s ineffective. So why not choose something that will fill you permanently? Why