The lab is quiet without her company and, even though my day is running smoother without her, it somehow feels more chaotic. Everything is more of a rush when I’m carrying out the work of two people. Things like being busy with a research participant and then the phone ringing with no one to answer it are rocketing my anxiety levels.
But Lucy has been off sick before. It’s not just that causing me to feel this.
For the first time since Lucy has been on sick leave, I head to Tess’s café. At least bringing that normality back to my routine might help.
I take my pulse before leaving. I can’t help it. And now every time I do, be it at the carotid or my radial, it makes me think about Clive. About the exchange between us.
When I arrive at the café there’s a man sitting at my table. Not being able to sit in my usual spot sends me into a spin.
I can’t breathe.
It’s stupid, I know, but it’s enough to make me wonder if I can still carry out the basic functions of putting one foot in front of the other, of drawing breath in and releasing it out.
Tess comes over. ‘I’m sorry, it’s date number forty. I tried to cancel, but he can’t have got the message. He turned up before I had chance to warn you.’
Even though she’s talking softly, it’s enough to hook the attention of the man sitting there, waiting.
‘You’re the only date I want today,’ I say a little too loudly.
The man gets up from the table and as I see him move towards us in the periphery of my vision I want the ground to swallow me up. I’m not prepared for this.
‘I’m sorry. I know the date was cancelled, but I knew it was you. I wanted to check you were okay.’
What he is saying doesn’t make sense until I take in who is standing there. It’s George. Clive’s nurse.
I mumble at him. ‘Err. Ei. Um.’ The familiarity I sensed when I first met him on the ward comes into focus. He is one of the matches Tess had shown me, with his selfie on the sofa. It’s hard to know what to say when my next obvious move is to cry, the events of the last few days becoming a bit too overwhelming.
‘I don’t mean for this to be a date. Even if that was what was arranged originally. When I realised it was you, I thought it might be unprofessional to still come, but I wanted to talk to you. I know Clive’s case is a strange one and he’s been telling me you’re going to help him. If you’re ever worried, I wanted you to know you have someone to call on. Look, here’s my number if you ever want to chat about it. We can meet up. Not as a date or anything that scary… Just as friends.’
I take the piece of card, noting that George is taller and broader than I remember. He looks different out of his uniform, casual in a striped polo shirt and jeans. My stomach flutters and I wonder what it’s responding to. I remind it that we’ll eat soon and allow my brain to catch up to the fact that George is here to talk about case study number five.
‘It’s just hard to comprehend that Clive believes that happened when none of it is true. Does he have any family?’ I’m hoping there is someone.
‘None in this country. He has a nephew in Australia, but their contact is rare from what I understand. He’s confirmed that Clive is a bachelor and lives alone. His father, Clive’s brother, died several years ago.’
I nod, wondering how I’ll ever be able to deliver on the promise of help.
‘The good news is he seems less muddled. I think he’s beginning to realise he was hallucinating. Come and see him soon.’
‘I will. For the study,’ I add hastily.
George grabs his denim jacket from the back of my usual chair and, when he leaves, I watch as he wanders along the road. He’s wearing double denim, a look normally reserved for catalogues, and yet with the woollen lining to his jacket he is pulling it off. For a few seconds I forget myself and unapologetically stare after him wondering if that just happened.