“So? You’ve put it off a week. You said it yourself—you treated him badly. You owe this to him.”
I slide out of bed. “Fine. I will.”
She smiles sadly. “Good. But god, Nell. Take a shower first. You smell like cheese. I’ll have all the spiked eggnog you can drink waiting for you when you get home.”
I reach for my robe, knowing for sure that I’m going to need a lot more than spiked eggnog to lift my spirits when all of this is done.
As I’m getting ready to go, I think about what she said. And I realize that while I might be lost in the throes of grief, I am a different person now. A better person. I’m stronger now. Because of him. Because he inspired me, helped me find myself, and never doubted me.
Yes, I got my heart smashed to pieces. But when I put it back together, it’ll be stronger with the scars he left on it.
And the more I think about it, the more I know—I’d go back and do it again in a second. Because a scarred heart is better than one that never really beat at all.
Luke
It doesn’t matter now because it’s over. But yeah, I was angry at the finale. My answer would have been different. I can’t blame her, though. I blame the producers.
—Luke’s Interview with TV Buzz Daily
It’s late. The bar is just about empty. I told customers I was closing up early so I could spend Christmas with Gran, but that ain’t true. I spent the morning with her, and I’ll be there tomorrow. Tonight I’m going to do what I’ve done the past seven nights in a row.
Get shitfaced.
I’m already halfway there.
In the past, I’ve made it a point not to drink until I’ve closed the bar. But not anymore. I’ve been sneaking shots of tequila from behind the bar since noon. The jukebox is spitting out “Rudolph,” and there are twinkling colored Christmas lights everywhere, but I don’t think there’s a more depressing place on earth.
I have Gran. I have Jimmy, I have Lizzy. I have a thousand other people I call friends that I could surround myself with.
But they’re not her.
Jimmy’s been ironing out the details of his latest stunt for the past few hours over at his office table. He comes up to the bar to settle his tab and takes a hard look at me. “Jesus, Luke. Slow down.”
I reach for the twenty he lays on the bar and don’t meet his eyes. “Fuck you.”
I’ve known Jimmy long enough that he won’t take it personally. But even if I didn’t, that’d be my response. A big old fuck you to the world. He shrugs it right off. “Yeah? Listen, Luke. We all know what this attitude is from. The girl. If you want her so bad, go out and get her.”
I open the cash register. Put the bill in. “Don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”
He does, though. He was with Lizzy when I asked her for help with the ring. He saw how fucking happy I was. How excited I was to have Penny as my wife. How I couldn’t wait to have her with me all the time, like he has Lizzy. Then he and thirteen million other people saw when she tore my fucking heart out and stomped on it as she left the stage.
I pour myself another drink and down it. “Fine,” I admit, staring at the bar. “Maybe I do. But I ain’t going anywhere. It’s over.”
I pick up the bottle. Fuck the shot glass. I’m going to finish this sucker anyway.
Rowan’s gaze follows the tequila as I wrap my lips around the bottle. “You should take it easy. I wish you’d come with Lizzy and me. We’re going out to dinner.”
I shake my head. What I want right now is to climb into bed and finish saying that fuck you to the world until I black out. “Nah. Go on. Merry Christmas.”
He gives me a worried glance and then begs off. The last two customers leave, and I’m alone. I usually spend an hour after closing getting everything cleaned up, but I can’t be bothered. I don’t even lock the door. Soon this place won’t even be my problem anymore. I grab the bottle of tequila by the neck and start to climb the stairs to my apartment.