beside mine with his feet. “We’re all fixin’ to have a viewing party here this Sunday. It’s gonna be the biggest thing this neighborhood’s ever seen.”
“You should probably count me out for that,” I say, tossing back the next drink.
“What the fuck did they do with you there? Shock treatments? You look like shit. Nice fucking haircut.”
I scrub my hands over my face, then through my hair. My beard is as thick as the hair on my head these days, and my eyes sting from the jet lag. “Need to get my ass to bed. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
I feel the weight of every eye in the place on me as I trudge to the narrow staircase to my apartment and start to climb the stairs. When I get up to my place, I throw my shit down on the floor and collapse on the sofa, staring up at the water-stained ceiling.
I think of Eloise tugging on my pants, and nausea thickens the back of my throat. Two weeks ago when I met her, I’d have been game to give her anything she wanted. But Penny’s so under my skin and in my veins that I can’t even look at another woman. This isn’t about sex or release or any of that. I need her like the air I breathe.
And I’ll be damned if I’m waiting until December 17 to tell her that.
THE REAL WORLD
Nell
It was hard, trying to keep everything under wraps for that long. Everyone kept asking me. I’m glad it’s over.
—Nell’s Finale Interview, December 17
“What are you doing?” Courtney asks me while I’m sitting in front of my Mac, trying to put together my résumé. “Get your ass over here. It’s about to start.”
“No,” I moan, my stomach roiling with dread. “I have to get this out. There’s a position opening up in the English department at GSU that I think I might be perfect for.”
Joe walks in, and Courtney says, “Let’s get her.”
They double-team me, grabbing me and throwing me on the couch. Joe sits on my legs and Courtney on my stomach. I might die. “Stop!” I moan.
She grabs a handful of popcorn from the big container she just made and tosses it at my face. “You promised you’d watch.”
I groan. “Fine. Just get off me before you crush me to death.”
It’s been a week since filming ended, and today is the premiere of the first episode of Million Dollar Marriage. Courtney is a superfan already. She has been scouring the online news sites and knows all the competitors, and she has even mapped out their chances of winning. I keep trying to tell her that Luke and I won, but she’s living in denial, possibly because she still has the mental image of my drowning-insect flailing in her head.
They peel off me just as the opening credits roll. I watch with my hands over my face, half shielding my eyes. There’s Will Wang, running down the hallway of the Georgia Tech rec center as the camera follows him, announcing the beginning of the show. As the camera scans, I think I see my elbow, and then I get a second-long glimpse of Luke.
Courtney squeals, “Oooooh! He’s so hot!”
My thoughts exactly.
That’s all it takes.
I can’t watch this.
I jump off the couch just as my phone starts to buzz. It’s a text, but I pretend it’s a phone call and say, “I’ve got to take this!” then run as fast as I can into another room, leaving the cheers of the fake Million Dollar Marriage audience behind me.
And oh my god. It’s Gerald. Hi, superstar.
I drop the phone on my lap and sigh. I don’t feel a thing for him right now. Not love. Not anger. He’s nothing but an annoying insect to me now. I think about deleting the message, but then I’ll have to go into the living room and watch my romance with Luke play out in detail.
No thanks. So I type in: What do you want?
Just thought it’s been a long time since we caught up.
I sigh. A month ago I would have killed to know he was thinking of me. For so long, he knew he had me on a string. He’d say jump, and I’d do it. But I have nothing for him now. No animosity. I just want him to leave me alone. I type in: I really don’t have anything to say to you.
I hear Courtney gasp and say “NO!” in the other room, then “Kill that