figure out if you’re scared and reacting or if you really think you’re making a mistake. There’s a difference, Hanna. A big one. Weddings are a huge deal and it’s not uncommon to have a mini freak-out. I have no problem with that. But if you really think you shouldn’t marry Graham, I need to know that, too. Because what you decide right now is going to affect the rest of your life. If you call off the wedding, then realize you do want to marry him, Graham may be okay with that. But no matter what, the memory of what you did will be there, always. You can’t take it back.”
She leaned toward Hanna. “I will do whatever you want, and I will totally support your decision. I’m not judging. I’m making sure you know what you’re doing.”
Hanna put down the glass and grabbed Renee’s hands. “Oh, no. I couldn’t just leave him standing there. I couldn’t humiliate him like that. You’re right—he would always have to live with that. We’d be sitting together having dinner and he would remember. I don’t want that. I love him. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Do you want to marry him?”
“Of course.” She started to laugh. “What have I been doing?”
“Like I said, having a little freak-out. It happens.”
“I was so scared. I thought I was making a mistake. But I’m not. He’s wonderful and the only bad thing would be not to marry him today.”
Hanna stood and flung her arms around Renee. “Thank you for talking me off the ledge.”
“You’re welcome. Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.” Hanna looked at herself in the mirror and shrieked. “My makeup! My dress.”
“You’re going to be fine.”
Renee turned on the steamer, then brought in the bridesmaids. It took only about fifteen minutes to get Hanna bride-ready. Renee got everyone in place and, as the last note of bagpipe music faded, motioned for the quartet to start the processional music.
As the bridal party began the long walk to where Graham was waiting, Renee allowed herself to exhale fully for the first time in nearly three days. She hadn’t just been speaking to Hanna back there, she’d been talking to herself. Because she was wrestling with many of the same fears as her bride.
What if it didn’t work out? What if they weren’t going to make it? What if, what if, what if. Her choices were simple—she could trust herself and Jasper to weather whatever happened and follow her heart, or she could spend the rest of her life being afraid. Because there weren’t any guarantees or promises. There was her and the man who had told her he loved her.
She had spent years blaming circumstances or her mother for what had gone wrong—but what if the real culprit was her? What if she was the reason Turner had left? What if it was all on her?
With a little time and self-reflection she might get close to an answer, but so what if she was half to blame or 90 percent? The past was done—what did she want from her future?
Jasper, she thought with a certainty that filled every cell in her body. She wanted Jasper. All of him—the healed and the broken, the laughter and the pain, his past, her past, their future. She wanted him messing up and then growing from the experience. She wanted him busy with his writing, then hanging out with her. She wanted the man who spent time with her mother and came with her to get a cat and who brought her takeout when she was tired and hugged like he would never let go. She wanted to love him with the fearlessness he’d shown her. She wanted to be worthy and happy and giving and strong and she wanted to spend the rest of her life knowing he was exactly where she belonged.
And she couldn’t tell him because Hanna and Graham were getting married and she needed to be doing her job.
Somehow she managed to get through the ceremony without bursting out laughing or yelling out his name. She watched as they exchanged rings and shared their first kiss as husband and wife. She got them back into the bride’s room so they could have their first toast, just the two of them, then made sure the guests were moving out into the reception area.
When the photographer corralled the families for pictures, Renee ducked away and went searching for Jasper.
She found him in the back of the main building, standing by