she loved him too much to be his only care-provider. He deserved so much more than she was capable of giving him right now.
“I can’t pay you,” he said candidly.
“I would never expect it. In fact, if you say anything like that again I’ll have to get insulted.”
“We’re not married anymore. You don’t owe me anything.”
“We’re friends. You said so yourself.”
Their eyes met. A spark of warmth jumped across the table, so strong she had to look down. She fiddled with the top snap on Billy’s sleeper. This was exactly the kind of thing she was afraid of—those small, unexpected moments when she and Darcy connected. What happened on the cruise was no accident. There was still so much attraction there. And caring. And yes, way down deep, possibly the remnants of love.
Yet even with all that going for them, they hadn’t been able to sustain a marriage. It would be easy to fall for him again. But no way did she want to dive into that deep well of pain.
Billy continued to fuss.
“Maybe he’s hungry,” Darcy said. “I fed him formula while you were sick, but I expect you want to nurse him again.”
“Yes, yes of course.” She wanted to succeed at nursing Billy, she really did. It was the part of mothering Holly that she’d found most rewarding in the early days. If she was ever going to connect with her son, breast-feeding would give her the best chance.
“I might go lie down and nurse him. I feel tired again. I guess I’m weaker than I thought.”
Darcy helped her into the bedroom to get settled then sat on the bed, still holding Billy. “Your milk should come in stronger now that you’re recovering. You need to keep at it. The sucking action stimulates the lachrymal glands, which produce milk in accordance with demand.”
It sounded so much like a quote she had to bite back a smile. “Where did you hear that?”
“I read it in a book. I brought over your baby manuals, too. I didn’t know how long you were going to be out of action.”
Darcy reading up on baby care. Would wonders never cease?
He transferred Billy to her. “I was going to chat about the color scheme while you feed him but if you’d rather I left, I understand.”
“You can stay.” Immediately she regretted saying that. In the old days, the sight of Holly nursing used to turn Darcy on. Once the baby was in bed, she and Darcy would make love. But that was then and this was now, and nothing was the same. She lifted her top and unclipped the flap on her maternity bra, pulling it down to expose her full breast.
Darcy’s eyes darkened. As if needing to get away, he rose and walked over to the dresser, putting away some clean socks he’d left there earlier.
Emma sucked in a breath and prepared herself for the pain of Billy latching on. He’d nursed so much in the first months, trying to get enough milk, that even with a few days’ respite her nipples were still cracked and raw-looking. She couldn’t help the hissed intake of breath as he latched on.
Darcy glanced around. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” She sighed. There was no pretending. “It hurts like hell.”
“Is there anything I can do? Get you some ointment?”
“No, it’s fine,” she said grimly.
He winced, no doubt reflecting the expression on her face. “Breastfeeding isn’t the only way to bond with your baby.”
She went still. “Why would you say that? Did Sienna mention something to you?” It was one thing to talk to her doctor about the problem, quite another for Darcy to know.
“Sienna only talked about your pneumonia. I said that because it’s true. There’s a whole chapter on bonding in one of your books.”
“I meant, why do you think I haven’t bonded with Billy?” She set her jaw against the pain as he suckled noisily. “I’m crazy about him.”
“You’re not fooling me. At first I thought your strange behavior was because you’re sick, but after seeing the way you held him in the kitchen...” He sat on the bed again. “What’s wrong, Em? Talk to me.”
“Oh, Darcy.” She bit her lip, trying to control her emotions, but with being so worn down physically, they were too close to the surface. Despite her efforts, a tear spilled down her cheek. She told him everything—all the problems with low milk supply, the colic, the sleepless nights, the stress....
“I don’t l-love him. Sometimes I almost hate him and wish he’d never