“That answers my question of whether you’d told him or not,” Emma said. “Why’d you leave it so long? You’ve made things worse.”
“I didn’t want to say anything until my probation period was up and I’m hired on permanently.”
“That’s what, three months? Oh, Alana.” She shook her head. “At least now it’s out in the open. You two can start talking about the issues.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” Alana resumed her pacing, her ponytail swinging. “He’s adamant he wants more kids. I’m equally adamant I don’t.”
“Tell him you need more time. Find a compromise. You could work for six months and then try for a baby.”
“Time won’t make any difference. This has been going on for over a year. Maybe we should just call it quits.”
“You’re risking your marriage for a job? I can’t believe that. You can work for the rest of your life, but you’re getting close to an age when you won’t be able to have more children.”
Alana stopped pacing and sat on the end of the bed. “You don’t understand, either. I love Tessa with all my heart and soul, but frankly, I’ve had enough of being at home with a small child. The career thing has a clock on it, too. I’m a fitness instructor. I can’t stay out of the workforce too long or I’ll be so old that no one will hire me. And if I can’t get a toehold in a gym then there’s no hope of moving up the ladder to a management job like the one I was doing to cover for Janet.”
“You always wanted three children, just like me.” She’d been counting on Billy having a little cousin playmate. Not quite twin cousins, but close enough.
“I’ve changed my mind.” Alana fidgeted as though gathering her thoughts. “Tessa’s finally getting to an easier stage. She’s toilet trained and she’ll be going to kindergarten next year. I’m starting to have a life again. To start over with the whole infant thing—the diapers, being up all night and tired all day... Seeing what you’re going through with Billy confirmed everything I was thinking.”
“I’ve had a tough time with Billy, but the newborn stage passes. And Dave helps out a lot, way more than Darcy.” Although to give Darcy credit he was doing it all now.
“Dave helps when he’s around, but he works long hours. Most days he comes home and Tessa’s been fed, bathed and is ready for bed. His dinner is made, the house is clean and I’m starved for adult company but he’s ready to veg in front of the TV. Reading a child a story before bed isn’t the same as being with the kid 24/7.”
“You could work part-time.”
“Why do you think I lied to him about the job? He doesn’t even want me to do that. Child care eats up most of my salary so to his way of thinking, there’s no point. Plus when I’m exercising hard my body weight is so lean I have trouble conceiving.”
“Doesn’t he understand that you need another outlet besides children?” Darcy had always been proud of her nursing career.
“The truth is, he doesn’t see fitness instructor as a real job so he doesn’t get why I want to go back to it. I could retrain but why should I when I like what I’m doing?” Alana traced the pattern on the quilt cover. “I know it’s selfish, but I simply don’t want to have another child when I’m virtually the sole caregiver.”
“It’s not selfish. Selfish would be having a child and then neglecting it.” Selfish would be wanting Alana to have another baby only so Billy would have a playmate. “It sounds like your problems go deeper than work issues to how he sees you as a person.”
Alana’s eyes filled. “These past few years all I feel like is a mother to his children. We’ve lost the passion.”
Emma was silent. She and Darcy had the passion but not the family life. Was it wrong to want it all? Or merely unrealistic?
Alana glanced at her watch. “I have to go or I’ll be late for my class.” She squeezed Emma’s foot. “That’s instead of kissing you and getting your germs. I’ll let myself out. Call me later, okay?”
After she’d left, Darcy poked his head in the room. “Billy’s asleep. Do you want dinner? It’s soup.”
“What, no peacocks’ tongues and caviar?”
“That’s for tomorrow. I can bring it in here, but if you’re well enough to get