to bond with her son was...well, it simply wasn’t her.
Sienna noticed her hesitation. She took Billy from Emma’s arms and held him up to Darcy. “I think your son needs a change, Daddy.”
When Darcy had left the room, Sienna asked gently, “Now, what’s troubling you?”
“I don’t feel anything for my baby. I don’t love him.” Emma’s words gushed out, along with a few tears. “We haven’t bonded. I don’t know what to do. I think if I could nurse him it would help but since I have to supplement my breast milk with a bottle...” Her voice wobbled. “I feel like such a failure.”
Sienna laid a hand on her arm. “You must know that sometimes mothers don’t bond with their infant right away. It’s not your fault.”
“I know.” But she didn’t know. There was no certainty in her at all. She was terrified. As a doting mother she hadn’t been able to keep Holly safe. If she didn’t love Billy the way she was supposed to, what chance did he have? “What if I never love my child?”
Sienna unstrapped the cuff and smiled gently. “That’s not even remotely possible. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I don’t feel anything for him.” Tears welled and she blinked them back. “Nothing.”
“You’re sick and run-down. Darcy told me you’ve been working as well as studying. And also raising Billy on your own. That’s a lot of pressure right there, let alone trying to bond with a difficult baby.”
Emma was silent. Everything Sienna said made sense, but she was sure there was more to it than that.
“Did you want this baby?” Sienna asked.
“I did. I do,” Emma insisted. “But now that he’s here... Maybe I blame him for my marriage falling apart. Not him because my marriage failed long before he was conceived. But my wanting him. But then it’s not his fault. It’s mine. Oh, it’s all so confusing.”
Sienna put a hand on hers and gave it a comforting squeeze. “My son Oliver is fifteen now and I love him more than life. But when he first came along, I resented him. He wasn’t planned and I made the mistake of marrying his father because I thought it was the right thing to do. It took years for me and my ex-husband to realize our mistake.” She smiled cheerfully. “Luckily it took a lot less time for me to bond with Oliver.”
“How long?” Sienna asked, sniffing.
“I can’t really remember. I was in med school at the time. A few months at least.”
“I wanted Billy. I knew I was raising him on my own.”
“You don’t need to make sense of your feelings right now. Your first task is to get well. Your body is telling you to slow down. I recommend you take some time off. Rest and recover. Once you’re feeling better your milk will come in. And if it doesn’t, that’s not the end of the world. Babies survive on formula.”
“And the bonding?” Emma sniffed.
“With time, you will more than likely feel love for your baby. And if you don’t, a qualified counselor can help. The important thing is not to give up.”
“Oh, I won’t ever give up.” How could she when Billy depended on her? “Thanks, Sienna.”
She felt better having spoken her fears aloud. Sienna’s calm, practical manner put her problems in perspective and made them manageable. Get better. Then sort out her emotions. She and Billy were going to be okay. She had to believe that. She did believe it.
* * *
DARCY CARRIED BILLY into the second bedroom where he’d set up the cot and changing table. He placed Billy on the table but the baby wriggled, and he didn’t feel comfortable with him up so high. So he moved the changing pad to the floor and knelt beside him.
He’d felt like a fraud when Sienna called him Daddy. That was going to change from now on—whether Emma liked it or not. It was clear to him that he needed to be around for backup in case something happened to her. She was right, money wasn’t enough. Whether he liked it or not, he had to be hands-on.
Speaking of hands-on, how the hell was a guy supposed to change a diaper when the kid was wriggling and squirming? “Hold still, mate.”
Why was his baby’s name so hard for him to say? He’d seen a documentary years ago about India. In some parts of the country infant mortality was so high people didn’t name their babies until they were six months old