But she bit her tongue and said nothing. Stress wasn’t good for the baby. She rested a hand on her abdomen and breathed slowly and calmly. Water under the bridge. Let it flow away and take her anger with it. “I can handle it.”
“If anyone can, you will. But, Emma...” Darcy leaned forward, elbows on knees, as if finally getting around to the reason for his visit. Even then he didn’t speak right away but stared at the carpet. Finally, he looked up. “Are you emotionally ready for a baby? It’s awfully soon after...Holly. Are you doing this for the right reasons, or are you trying to fill a gap in your life?”
The emotional seesaw in Emma’s heart that continually teetered between love and resentment tipped sharply toward the latter. What right did he have to even ask these questions? They were divorced. How dare he act as if he still cared or even had a say in her emotional welfare?
“Soon? It’s been a year and a half. I’m thirty-five, not getting any younger.” Emma got to her feet and paced the small space between the couch and the coffee table. “As for a gap in my life, yes, there’s a huge gap that I want to fill. I had a family. Now I don’t. I want children. You don’t give up just because tragedy strikes. Or, rather, some people don’t.” She ignored his slight flinch. He wanted to be blunt—she would be, too. “Are you talking about me or yourself, because you can’t handle the thought of being responsible for another baby?”
“I’m talking about you, of course. According to you, this doesn’t affect me.” His voice held a trace of bitterness.
“Only because you’re adamant you don’t want another child. If I thought for one second—” She broke off. Their marriage was finished. There was no point holding out hope for reconciliation simply because she was having his baby. Especially when their conflicting desires regarding babies had torn them apart in the first place.
“I’m not ready for another child. I haven’t gotten over Holly yet.” Quietly, he added, “If I ever will.”
“You won’t unless you work through your guilt.”
He pressed fingers to the bridge of his nose. “I wasn’t on the spot. There’s nothing I could have done.”
In other words, she was to blame. Is that what he was saying? “Go ahead...you keep telling yourself that. But just ask yourself, why have you given up drinking?”
“I wanted to lose some weight, get healthier.” He shrugged, apparently bewildered at her question. “Alcohol dependency is an occupational hazard in my job. I didn’t want it to get the better of me.”
“You weren’t an alcoholic.” She turned away, breathing out the tightness. “You haven’t got a clue. And yet you come here and lecture me.”
Silence settled over the room.
“You still cry over her,” he said at last, gently.
“I will cry over her for the rest of my days.” The words tore out of her. “It doesn’t mean I can’t love another child and have joy in my life.” Her throat closed and she had to take a breath, clearing away the huge ache in her chest. Of course she was still emotional about Holly. Who wouldn’t be? A mother didn’t forget, ever, losing a child. But that didn’t mean there was something wrong with her, as he seemed to think.
“I don’t want to have these conversations anymore,” she continued, her voice stronger. “I’m happy for the first time in eighteen months. I get that you don’t want to be part of this. That’s fine, believe me. More than fine.”
“What does your family think?”
“Alana’s thrilled for me.”
“Really?”
“With a few reservations,” Emma admitted. “But you know how cautious she is. She doesn’t like any sort of risk.”
“Alana, cautious? I think you’re mixing her up with yourself. You don’t do anything without having all your ducks lined up and ironclad safeguards that nothing will go wrong or fail. Why else do you think I’m worried about your mental and emotional state? Lots of women have a baby on their own, but for you it’s risk taking. It’s out of character.”
He was right. Before she embarked on any new course of action she did her research. And she had. She knew babies back to front. But no amount of research could alter the fact that life had thrown her a curveball. Her baby’s conception hadn’t been planned, and everything that happened next would be unknown and therefore very scary.