have. Leaving was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do. At the time, I thought it was because I was doing it for you, even when it wasn’t what I wanted.”
Arguments flashed in those blue eyes, but she didn’t interrupt me even though I saw how much she wanted to. “I’ve since realized that what I thought was wrong. It’s been made very clear to me by my mother and by my friend, Kavan, that I acted like a complete idiot. It just took me some time to sort through it all in my own head.”
“You told your mother about me?” she whisper-yelled. “Why would you do that?”
“Because I fell in love with you on that island, and the first time she saw me after, she knew something was different. That I was different.”
“You…” She stared up at me with disbelief etched into her expression. “You didn’t fall in love with me. You wouldn’t have left me if you had.”
“Oh, but I did.” I threaded my fingers into the soft locks at the nape of her neck. “That’s why I left, even if I didn’t necessarily realize it at the time. I left because I couldn’t stand to come home with you and not have you being mine. I left because I promised to protect you and I thought that was what I was doing. I left because I couldn’t stand the thought of not being with you, but I also thought it was too soon after your relationship fell apart to even broach the subject.”
My chest was heaving by this point, but at least the jumble was vanishing, and finding the words I needed was starting to come easier. “The thing is, Linds, I thought leaving you would protect you from me. From the feelings I had for you when I didn’t think you could possibly be in a place where you could reciprocate.”
Moisture clung to her lashes and her teeth sank into her lower lip. “That wasn’t for you to decide.”
A smirk crept onto my lips when I remembered Kavan saying those exact same words to me when we’d first gotten back. I shook my head and brought my forehead down to hers. “So I’ve been told. When I left that morning though, I wasn’t thinking about it like that. I never meant to hurt you. In fact, I was trying to save you from being hurt.”
“I don’t need you to save me, Jaxon.” Her voice was quiet and laced with pain, but she hadn’t pushed me away yet. “How could you not have realized how much it would hurt me to be walked out on for the second time in little over a week? Especially after the night we had together.”
Agony twisted my insides into knots. “I’m so sorry, baby. I don’t know how I didn’t realize it. I just didn’t. I was so caught up in what I thought was right that I never stopped to consider just how fucking wrong I might be.”
“You were, Jaxon. Wrong, I mean.”
“I know,” I whispered, winding one arm around her waist and holding her to me. “I wish there was a way to go back. I wish I could take away all the pain I caused you. I’d rather have been tortured for a week than to have had you feeling that way for even a minute.”
“I hope you’re ready to sign up for a couple of years of torture then,” she mumbled, “because if it’s a week for every minute, it’s going to be a lot of weeks.”
“If it would take your pain away, I’d do it in a heartbeat,” I said firmly. “That being said, I’m also glad I left.”
She stiffened against me, and I rushed out my explanation for that statement. “If I hadn’t left the way I had, I never would have been forced to really face how I feel about you. After spending every minute together and then suddenly no longer having you in my life, it became glaringly obvious how much I care about you.”
“You needed to hurt me to realize how much you love me?” she asked, her voice strained. “I hope you know how fucked up that sounds.”
“I do, but I didn’t mean that I’m glad you got hurt. I will never, ever forgive myself for hurting you and I know you probably won’t forgive me either. What I meant was that I never even let myself consider that I’d fallen in love with you because I thought it