Mathieu (White Flame Trilogy) - By Paula Flumerfelt Page 0,104

was much more interesting in a selfish way.

First you need to be alone, somewhere that no one will bother you. I can help with that. But then, it’s gonna take some imagination on your part. Within you, you need to discover the deepest recess of your soul, find the piece of you that you’ve never known existed. Then, you need to find the will to let it go, to let it take its own shape. If you can do that, then it will be created. However, it will be your responsibility to protect it until it can survive on its own.

“…And you said painful…”

Nikola bobbed her head, speaking this time. But when you hold them and protect them, you form a bond with them. It’s worth it.

Mathieu lifted them both and stood, kissing each of their heads. “I want to do it now.”

Alright. Tesla hopped down from his arms and nodded. You can use the realm we travel through. We can stop anyone else from entering, so you get your isolation.

Come back soon, okay? We’ll be waiting. Nikola sat on the chair, watching him.

Why couldn’t I just want a regular cat? He said to both of them in a teasing way as he stepped into the puddle of darkness that Tesla had opened.

Because we’re pretty cool.

With that, the darkness closed behind Mathieu, wrapping around him. He couldn’t see anything through the pure darkness, but felt a weightlessness settle over him; it was more like Nikola’s darkness than Tesla’s, but he didn’t think too much on it. Mathieu turned his head this way and that before kicking out his feet. Nothing changed and he closed his eyes. It felt safe here. Warm. He floated there for a while, comforted by the slight tingle he felt when he moved.

There in the darkness, he looked at what he assumed was up, thinking. Here, he could feel everything he had kept locked away seeping out into the space around him. Avian’s death was the first thing that he felt tugging at the edges of the resolve, threatening to spill over. Mathieu took a deep breath and let it slowly, feeling the anger, the hurt, and the sharp sting of loss pour out of him; unlike before, however, it felt safe to feel these things here.

In his mind’s eye, he could see Avian in her favorite pair of jeans and off-the-shoulder shirt, smiling at him. She waved at him and he could feel her just beyond, happy and whole. He felt his eyes tearing up. Avian tucked her hair behind her ear. “Thank you…” Many things were conveyed in those two words, but the thing Mathieu needed most, was the forgiveness. In that one phrase, she told him that she had never blamed him, that it was okay to let go. He believed those words, even if they were just his mind telling him what he wanted to hear.

Thank you, Avian…I miss you so much. I love you. Be safe. And be happy. Her smile told him that she would be.

Rotating in the darkness, Mathieu next came face-to-face with something much deeper than Avian. As much as her loss had hurt him, there was something worse he had never faced within himself.

Again in his mind, a person was waiting for him. Himself, as a young boy. His hair was short, not yet to his shoulders, and he sat on the ground, crying. Mathieu recognized this moment. He had finally become old enough to understand that he was an orphan, that he had no family. There were no words to describe the gut wrenching sickness he’d felt when he realized his parents hadn’t wanted him, hadn’t loved him enough to keep him. Mathieu knew that he had been found on the side of the road just outside of Zurn and he couldn’t understand at that age how someone could willingly give up their child like that. He’d been so devastated by the blow to his fragile self-esteem that he hadn’t eaten for days.

Even now, he could feel his throat tighten as he thought about the fact that his parents had abandoned him. Had he been unplanned? So horribly detrimental to their lives that they had decided leaving him in the middle of nowhere was better than putting the effort into raising him? Mathieu brought a hand to his face, covering his eyes as he felt the sting of tears in them. But he couldn’t hold them back. Silently, he began to sob, curling up in a