“And you wouldn’t have seen anything, if you’d have left as I asked.”
Warm gray eyes finally lift to mine, the stubborn glint behind them telling me she doesn’t intend to let this go.
The question isn’t should I tell her, because at this point, anything I tell her will sound the same. It doesn’t matter who Solange is to me. What matters is that Isa will have yet another reason to stay away from me.
Yet, maybe it’s better that way.
“What do you want, Isa? To know if I’m crazy? The Mad Son everyone claims I am? The answer is yes. But then, that was never really a secret, was it?”
Feet still glued to the same spot, she shakes her head. “I never believed the rumors. It was your mother who told me about the hallucinations of your friend. Jude?”
Leave it to my mother to perpetuate the very rumors she feared back then. I stare back at Isa, my throat suddenly dry and parched, and I reach for the decanter to pour myself another drink.
“She told me he died when you were very young,” she adds, finally taking a step closer.
Gaze buried in the liquor, I lick my lips, the scent of the bourbon already puckering my tongue, while an image of Jude’s face comes to mind. “It used to be the mere mention of him would incite flashbacks. That awful sound of his screams over the crashing of waves. The look of fear in his eyes when he reached out for me, as the waves swept him to sea. I’d end up blacking out. Don’t even know how long.” I finally take a sip from my glass, letting warm liquid slide down my throat. “If not for the pictures I have from when we were young, I’d wonder if he was ever even real.”
“Why do you say that?”
A quiet chuckle escapes me as I swirl my drink. “I don’t think you want down that rabbit hole, Isa. It’s dark, and there is no bottom.”
“Try me.” The resolution in her eyes is remarkably attractive somehow. Almost fearless.
“All right. Solange was … an affliction of a different sort. Unlike Jude, she never actually existed. Yet, she taught me things that, to this day, are very real for me.” I study her reaction for a moment, waiting for that familiar flicker of disbelief.
Instead, the intensity of her stare speaks of intrigue. Fucking intrigue.
“What kinds of things?”
Forget that I just told her I dreamed an imaginary woman who taught me things, she wants to know what.
“An appreciation for the line that separates life and death.”
“The reason you seek out an adrenaline rush.” It’s not a question from her, but rather my unspoken confession.
“Yes. She taught me breath play and knives.”
If I could crack open her skull right now, I’d probably hear the blare of a warning, telling her to run.
“You still see her? This Solange?”
“Only when my head is in a messed up place.”
She looks away, still fidgeting. “I put you in that place. When I asked about your son.”
I don’t answer that. “This is why I warned you to stay away. Welcome to my crazy.”
“Your mother said she tried to help you.”
With a snort of laughter, I tip my glass for another sip of liquor, needing the buzz, all of a sudden. “Yes, she tried to help me. By putting me in a place that sought to cure my sexual deviances. The only thing they managed to cure was my desire to live.”
Frowning, she shakes her head and crosses her arms. “I don’t care. I don’t care that you have hallucinations. I don’t care that you like knives, and whatever else they considered to be crazy. None of that matters to me.”
What the ever-loving hell is wrong with this girl?
“While I appreciate your sentiments, this is the universe telling you to walk away.” I polish off the rest of my drink and set the glass on my desk. “Heed the warning.”
She lurches toward me, but stops herself. “I don’t give a damn what the universe, or anyone else, thinks. I make my own decisions.”
Her tenacity is something else. If I wasn’t so caught up in the humiliation of her having seen one of my little episodes, I’d take her against my desk right now. “Leave. You’ll be grateful I spared you the heartache later.”
“What heartache?”
“Of knowing I’m the kind of selfish bastard who will fuck you before I push you over a cliff.” I don’t want to do this, but this girl is