he said. Bella suspected that he was the Officer of the Watch. But she remembered that these were people whom Richard saw every day, and liked, so she complied.
Then she had a call from someone who described himself as working in the King’s private office. Please would she give him her date of birth, her social security number and her passport number? Also her parents’ and her stepfather’s. And, in future, would she remember that it was not permitted to stay overnight in a Royal residence without three days’ prior notice?
‘They’re not exactly making you feel welcome, are they?’ said Lottie, hearing Bella’s side of that particular conversation.
‘I know. It’s odd. Both the King and Queen Jane were very nice to me.’
But she rounded up the passport numbers, as instructed.
‘You know, I think you ought to check with Richard,’ said Lottie. ‘I mean, it’s odd. Maybe Wormtongue doesn’t work for the King at all. What’s his name?’
‘Madoc … Julian Madoc.’
‘Well, find out if Mr Madoc is legit before you send him anything.’
So for once Bella called Richard. He answered immediately.
‘How’s Day Two of being the First Girlfriend going?’
‘Odd actually.’ And she told him about the messages she’d had from the Palace.
He exploded. ‘Bloody Madoc! Officious little toad! Know what he’s doing, don’t you? He’s trying to get you positively vetted.’
Bella gasped, coughed and couldn’t stop laughing. ‘Sounds a bit agricultural and rather nasty.’
But Richard wasn’t amused. ‘It’s security clearance for people who have to read government secrets. How dare he? How dare he?’
But Bella was still bubbling with mirth. She went into a very bad Russian accent. ‘I am Olga the Beautiful Spy. You will tell me all your secrets.’
Richard laughed reluctantly. ‘Yes, very funny. But Madoc needs kicking. I shall speak to my father. What else has the House of Horrors thrown at you today, my love?’
She told him about the Officer of the Watch and her decision to grovel without protest. ‘I look on it as an investment in future good-will.’
He groaned. ‘And I thought it would be the Press that were the problem!’
‘Well, I’ll probably do better now. Your mother is providing me with a mentor.’
‘A what?’
‘A mentor. You know, someone who’s already done something and guides the faltering footsteps of a new recruit.’
‘Hell’s teeth,’ he said blankly. ‘The woman’s got a mind like a corkscrew. Has she really wished one of my old girlfriends on to you?’
Bella giggled at the idea. ‘I don’t think so. She’s called Lady Pansy, and when she called me this morning she sounded like Celia Johnson. Must be a good seventy-five.’
‘Oh, Pansy.’ He sounded more relaxed. ‘She’s harmless. She’ll probably give you long lectures about orders of precedence and teach you how to curtsey.’
‘Coo-er.’
This time Richard laughed as if he really meant it. ‘I love you,’ he said before ringing off. ‘Dream Girl.’
Lady Pansy didn’t give Bella lectures on orders of precedence. She gave her a booklet, bound in shiny Royal blue, with the Royal coat-of-arms on the front and gold lettering. And a book on protocol at the Court of St James’s, revised edition, and a book on the Royal Families of Europe, plus a ring binder about the organisation of the Royal Household (London) with the internal telephone numbers of, as far as Bella could see, everything and everyone from the King’s Private Office to the Head Groom.
‘Just a few memory joggers,’ she said sweetly. For Lady Pansy was very sweet indeed.
Bella found her way to a sitting room off a back staircase in the Palace for, as she thought, a friendly chat, and came away feeling as if she had gone ten rounds with the Cookie Monster.
The woman who had summoned her was tall and rangy, with a profile like a horse’s and a lacquered backcombed helmet of beautifully tinted grey-brown hair that would, thought Bella, have withstood a Force 10 gale. She was elegantly dressed in a dark blue dress and short jacket worn with a triple string of pearls, matching pearl earrings, and a pair of well-polished shoes. So far, so Golfing Ladies. Except that Lady Pansy smiled all the time and never stopped talking. She did not so much gush as swirl like the tide. She was, in short, unstoppable.
She also called Bella ‘dear’ a lot. It set Bella’s teeth on edge.
‘I have known the dear Queen since she came here as a bride. And the Dowager Queen before her. Indeed, I was brought up with His Majesty’s father. My own father was what is