it was,” Dana said in a low voice, nostrils flared. Both Gunnar and I took a step back. Grace might have been furious, but Dana was reacting like a corporate scion backed into a corner by a potential lawsuit, and the claws were out.
“You had one job, Gunnar,” she said in a clipped tone. “To organize the wedding. For fuck’s sake, we even collaborated with the best wedding planning firm in the tri-state area, so literally all you had to do was not fuck up. I told you specifically to collect the marriage certificates so we could save them for the final reveal. All you had to do was, at the end of the evening, count to four and see if you had four certificates.”
“Yes, that was my job. We all agree on that, Dana, but sometimes people make mistakes,” Gunnar rambled. “There was a lot going on.”
“You had time to eat wedding cake,” she said through bared teeth.
“So I got carried away in the moment.”
“And you had three bowls of pasta.”
“Elsie is an excellent cook…chef,” he corrected quickly. “It slipped my mind, Dana. I’m sorry. I tried to correct it. But it was too late!”
“I can’t be married,” I said, starting to panic.
Take deep breaths…
“Why was the certificate filed?” I shouted, heart pounding.
“The officiant got confused, and Grace’s and your marriage certificate ended up in the pile of the other real weddings she had done.”
“You can’t stop it?” I demanded, “You have to go down to the courthouse and stop it!”
“It’s already filed and stamped,” Dana said, scowling at Gunnar. The blood rushed in my head.
I was married. Grace and I were married. Oh fuck, she was going to take all my money!
“It’s only one couple, at least,” Gunnar said. “Right, Dana? Look on the bright side?”
“You picked the wrong couple to fuck with,” I roared. “I am going to sue the shit out of all of you. You’re going to hear from my lawyers. And I’m done with your stupid fucking show.”
“You signed a contract,” Dana said as I stormed to the elevator.
I turned and crossed the room to get in her face. She had two brothers and was unfazed.
“Fuck the contract. This was not part of the deal.”
“This mishap does not nullify the agreement you signed. You are still expected to be in the show. If you do not participate,” Dana continued, “we will be suing you.”
“You better not,” I snarled.
“Now, let’s all calm down. You men are always so histrionic,” Dana said, tossing her hair. “Chris, go talk to your lawyers. This is clearly a case where it should be an easy annulment.”
“It better be,” I warned, “or I’m taking you and your company down. As for you,” I said to Grace, “you better not think that this is going to be some easy payout. You’re not taking a dime from me.”
“Me?” Grace screeched. “You’re the mooch! You’re the one taking my hard-earned money. You ate my french fries. I bet you’re one of those fake-ass broke billionaires. I bet you’re trying to come after my money!”
I was still speechless after Grace’s rant when I walked into the Svensson & Svensson law offices.
“I’m not broke,” I said finally aloud to the sign on the wall. “I’m a billionaire.”
“There’s the married man!” Eric said, walking out of the back office. “Drink?”
I nodded.
“Did you have a good wedding night?” Josh added as I slumped on the couch in Eric’s office. “Or fake wedding night?”
“No,” I said slowly, still a bit in shock, “it was real.”
“Nice dude! How was it?” Josh tried to fist-bump me.
I looked at his hand in a daze.
Eric slapped his brother’s hand away.
“You used protection, didn’t you?” Eric said, bending over to peer at me in concern. “You weren’t supposed to sleep with her! Dude, what if she gets pregnant?”
“You flushed the condom, didn’t you?” Josh prodded.
“I didn’t sleep with her,” I choked out.
Eric visibly relaxed and laughed nervously. “You had me there for a second, dude. Whew!”
“I’m actually married to her.”
They blanked for a second.
“Like we are legally married.”
“No, dude, no.”
Eric started pacing as I explained what had happened. “Okay, so it was a mistake, right? Neither of you wanted to enter into this contract.”
“It’s totally an annulment,” Josh said confidently.
“Totally,” Eric said, grabbing one of his law books and flipping to a reference page. “This says for New York State to grant an annulment, there has to be fraud or one party has to be mentally unstable when they entered into the contract.”