The Man Who Has No Love - Victoria Quinn Page 0,66
me, keeping several feet in between us like last time. He was in jeans and a t-shirt, even though it was getting cold outside. The walk to my old apartment had always sucked in the freezing cold, but taking two subways to my apartment in Brooklyn was torture. Then I had to stop by the store on my way because I couldn’t use the groceries I got for myself on client runs because that was just too far to carry it all. So, there were times when I got home so late that I wondered if I should just sleep in the office.
He placed his hands in his pockets and looked at the floor.
I wanted to get this over with as soon as possible. “Is there something I can help you with, Mr. Hamilton?” I didn’t want to call him Deacon anymore, the name I whispered in bed, the name I said before declaring my undying love for him.
He lifted his chin and looked at me slightly quizzically. “Don’t call me that.”
“Alright…” My fingers started to fidget. “Then what do you need, Deacon?”
He crossed his arms over his chest as he looked at me, the silence going on forever.
I used to be comfortable with these long pauses, but now I couldn’t stand them. I had no idea what he was thinking. That connection we used to have was gone because we were never around each other anymore. He was like a stranger to me in the present, but the love of my life in the past.
“I’ve been on my own for a while now. Work has required most of my attention, and I was happy to let it absorb all of my time. Your betrayal numbed me, and I just wanted to move on. While time passed, the season changed, my feelings never changed.”
I’d lost all hope…and now it was back.
“I feel like it was just yesterday…”
Really? Because it felt like a fucking eternity for me.
“You said you didn’t know he was married…and I believe you. You said you didn’t sleep with him…and I believe you.”
Exonerated at least.
“Time and space have helped me understand your decisions, and instead of viewing it in black and white, like I always do, I know I need to have compassion. I need to remember this is you, not some random person. I need to remember that you’re a human being going through a hard time, like we all do sometimes.”
My heart was going to stop any second. I didn’t even realize tears were streaking down my cheeks until one dripped off my chin and landed on my hands.
“And…I don’t want to be with anyone else.”
I closed my eyes and felt the silent tears fall.
“I love you.”
I opened my eyes, hearing the words I’d dreamed about for months.
“I still love you now like I did when I first said it. And I’ll always love you.”
My hands went to my cheeks and steepled over my nose, overwhelmed by his confession, shaken with joy. I thought the distance would make him question whether he ever loved me, make him doubt it was ever real. But it was real.
“But…”
I fucking hated that word. It was only three goddamn letters, but it had the power of the universe.
“I need to take it slow.”
I released such a breath of relief that it sounded like a gasp. I dropped my hands. “That’s fine… Whatever you want…of course.” I was an emotional wreck. If he weren’t there, I would literally sink to the floor and lie on his rug and cry for an hour. But he was there, so I stood still, probably looking just as pathetic as if I were on the floor. “Thank you.” What I wanted more than anything was to move into his arms and feel him hold me, but I had no idea what slow meant to him, so I just kept my distance. I closed my eyes and wiped away my tears with my fingertips, so ashamed by my appearance that I didn’t want to see him look at me, knowing I was so ugly right now.
When I opened my eyes again, he was there, right in front of me.
I hadn’t even heard him.
His hands cupped my cheeks and tilted my chin up.
It was the first time he’d touched me in months, the first time his fingertips felt my skin, the first time he’d been this close. He smelled the same; he felt the same.