house. I could’ve closed my eyes and picked at random. What do you bet I’d land on brown?”
He scratched his stomach. “Nice, big house, though. Lots of room. I had to turn the TV up so I could hear it, it’s so far away. Least I can see it. I should get a new TV. What’s this picture? A bunch of pixels, right?”
I lifted my eyebrows. “Yes. Lots of pixels, you’ve got it.”
“Yeah. We still got that old one you gave us. It’s not as clear as this one.”
“Put it on your Christmas list. Do you need anything in here? We’ve got a big garden if you want to check that out. There’s even a hedge maze.”
“A what?” He muted the TV. “A hedge maze? What is that?”
“A big maze made out of…hedges. They’re like thick bushes but really tall, and they’re used to form the walls of a maze.” His blank stare said he still wasn’t getting it. “A corn maze, like in pumpkin patches, but made out of bushes and in my backyard.”
“You have a nice garden, huh?”
Clearly he wasn’t interested in discussing backyard mazes. It was probably a little too weird for his taste.
“Yes. Nice, big garden,” I said, just trying to go with the flow.
“That bed is awfully soft, the one in the guest room? I’m not used to soft beds. I kept waking up. Or maybe it was the thumping above me. Probably a rat. Old houses like this have lots of vermin. Our house had a mouse problem a while back. I’ll set some traps, don’t you worry. If there is one thing I know how to do, it’s how to get rid of vermin.”
“Oh no, no, that’s okay, Dad. Thanks. We don’t have rats. That might’ve been Mr. Tom, the butler. He was probably—”
His finger hovered over the remote, about to unmute the TV. “Is it Tom or Edgar?”
“Mr. Tom is the butler, and Edgar is the gardener. Remember the guy with the dentures?” Given Edgar’s issue with retracting his fangs, we’d called them out as malfunctioning dentures when he’d come in yesterday afternoon to meet the folks. Thankfully he hadn’t said much, keeping those chompers mostly under wraps.
“Oh yeah, the balding guy with dandruff. I use Head & Shoulders. Got rid of that problem. I told him so.” He snapped. “Earl. Irish lady called your butler Earl.”
“Yeah, Mr. Tom is kind of a nickname. He’d like it if you used that.”
My dad’s brows knitted together. He unmuted the TV and turned back to the fishing program. Apparently that didn’t make much sense to him, and now he planned to ignore it and the hedge maze both. Hopefully he did that for all the weird stuff he was bound to run into.
“Okay, well, let me know if you need anything,” I said.
My mother was in the kitchen, her half-moon glasses perched on the edge of her nose as she looked up at the top oven, the house having two stacked on top of each other.
“Hey, Mom.”
She glanced over, smiled, and then returned to studying the buttons. “You had a late one, huh? I’m just trying to figure out how to do the warm setting. Do you want some breakfast? I made enough for your butler and gardener and the Irish rock thrower, too, but the butler hasn’t come in since I started making breakfast, and none of the others have stopped by. How about your friend from last night? The big, burly man. He’s certainly handsome. Are you two dating?”
“Austin? No. It’s right here, Mom, the one that says ‘warm’ on it.” I pushed the button for her.
“Oh yeah. Warm. That’s a good hint.” She pulled open the oven and extracted the plates covered in grease-coated napkins. Why she was looking for the button to warm when about to take out the food was beyond me. “I couldn’t find any paper plates. I’ll get some at the store today.”
“No, it’s fine. We have real plates. Mr. Tom prefers—”
“And paper towels. You could use more paper towels. You don’t care what kind I get, do you?”
“No, honestly, Mom, it’s fine. Mr. Tom—”
Ulric popped into the doorway with a smile.
“Honey, look out!” My mother shoved me, grabbed a potato off the counter, and chucked it, all in a fast collection of somewhat rickety movements. Despite the way it was launched, that sucker flew true, directly for Ulric’s head.
“Holy—” Ulric bent to the side, batting the flying spud away. “I’m friendly! I’m friendly!”