The Lure of the Devil (The Demons' Muse #4) - Auryn Hadley Page 0,86

When she learned my real name, I was convinced that was what she'd think of me, and I hated it. That was the main reason I never wanted her to see me like this. I was so sure that if she knew I was a demon, she would run from me."

"And you just got her over all of her fears," Luke said, making it clear he understood. "I would never use that word to her face, but we have to tell her something. She's going to realize that she didn't simply wake up. That there was a lot more to what happened just now than her pulling a little aether and healing herself. If she wasn't so tired, she would've noticed the fresh burns on all of our hands and the marks on Bel's chest."

"Which is why Sam took her to bed," I pointed out. "You think he didn't take that into consideration?"

"Point," Luke agreed. "Sam always seems to know how to smooth things over. The problem is that he also doesn't know when to hold his tongue."

I chuckled at Luke's choice of phrase. "Jealous?"

"That kiss wasn't what you think," he countered. "I was just..."

"In need of aether," I offered. "Maybe it was nothing more than the stress. You know, since you and she can't happen. You have a promise to me, after all. One that I don't want and will never hold you to, by the way. And what other excuses are you using this week, Luke?"

He tried to pull his hand away, but I held it just a little tighter until he gave up. "It's not that easy," he mumbled.

"It never is," I assured him. "Almost like facing down a few million years of what I thought I knew about myself, realizing I could be wrong, and then putting it out there for the people I care most about to rip apart or laugh in my face."

Luke's eyes jumped up to meet mine. "Is it really that hard for you?"

"It was," I admitted, keeping my voice nice and neutral.

"But you make it look so easy," he countered. "The great Satan simply changes his mind and accepts who he is now. Like it's a proclamation or something. I can't do that."

"That's not how it felt," I assured him. "Luke, we're not that different. Sia rubbed it in my face that I wasn't as straight as I claimed, and I had to really think about that. The difference is that I did. I didn't ignore it, and I didn't push it aside hoping that it would go away. Like a splinter in my finger, I picked at it until it came out, and then I realized why it was so painful. I thought that who and how I loved made me less of a man - weaker - and all because of words that had been tossed at me casually in the past. The strangest thing was that the ones I heard the loudest came from the people I cared about the least."

"Abaddon," Luke breathed, knowing what I was talking about.

I nodded. "Every criticism he had always pointed to the same thing: that I was too weak to keep my legion safe. Humans said that loving men was a sign of weakness. My legion slowly but surely was picked apart. I lost everything I cared about because I clung to Sam, so somehow – unconsciously – I put all of that together. Since I do like women, and more than most men, I just clung to the hope that it had been my problem all along, I think. Like a superstition, where so many pieces end up falling together in a way that can't possibly make sense."

"Like walking under a ladder," Luke said, showing he understood. "It has nothing to do with an accident that comes later, but it is rare enough to stand out and be blamed. I get that."

"That doesn't mean it was easy," I told him. "Just like it's hard for you to admit that there's something between you and Sia."

"There can't be," he said automatically.

I just lifted a brow. "Why not? Because of our wife? I've told you that I don't care. Because Michael will target her to hurt you? He's already made her a target. Because she's mortal, and you couldn't handle something happening to her?" I looked down at the table where her corpse had laid only moments before. "Seems that may not be the case either."

"But why didn't she die?" Luke asked. "Not