Lovewrecked - Karina Halle Page 0,85
down the back of her head, smoothing her hair. “I’m here now. You’re fine.”
She shakes her head.
Because no. That’s the point.
Of course, she’s not fine.
I pull back just enough to look her over, keeping my hands on her shoulders. She looks well, other than the puffy red eyes and the tears streaming down her delicate, freckled face.
“Gingersnap, you’re breaking my heart here,” I whisper to her, cupping her face in my hands. I pull her in and kiss her forehead, then the top of her head, and she throws her arms around my waist, holding me tight.
“I’m sorry,” she sniffles.
“Don’t be sorry. Whatever you’re feeling is valid. Just…don’t be afraid to feel it.”
“I know. Or…I don’t know.” She takes in a deep breath that shakes her whole body. “Once upon a time I was that person that if anything remotely negative happened to me or to people I know, I’d push the negative feelings away. ‘Focus on the positive’ was my mantra. Count your blessings. Be grateful for what you have. Those were my stock answers every time I was presented with something less than happy, less than perfect. And you know what?”
She pauses, resting her cheek on my chest. “It was all bullshit. All it did was invalidate my feelings, and the feelings of my friends. It made it so that the bad feelings were pushed away and buried, never to be dealt with. I made it so the only feelings we should ever have are good ones, as unrealistic as that was. It was…tiring. I am so fucking tired of pretending that I have it all together.”
“It is tiring,” I tell her. “Believe me, I know. And those feelings never stay buried, they always slip back out. You can’t hide from them. You have to face them head on.”
“Yeah.”
“Hey, listen, I’ve been there,” I tell her, kissing the top of her head. “I have. And I know I’m not the one to spew advice. Because maybe I’m still dealing. I can’t tell you the number of times I would try to console my mother after my sister’s death and tell her, ‘Hey it’s okay, because I’m still here, and dad’s still here.’ It was stupid. Inconsiderate. Because she knew we were there. She was grateful for us, but that wasn’t the point. She just wanted to feel what she was feeling because it was real, and it was honest, and Atarangi deserved that. And I didn’t know how to deal with her grief. Or my own. The easy solution was to get her on pills, so she didn’t have to feel the pain.”
“Yeah, but it’s your mom. You can’t blame yourself for wanting that for her either. No one wants to see someone they love in pain.”
“No. I don’t blame myself. I would do anything to ease her suffering, and I guess I also hoped it would ease mine. If I told my mother we were okay, it meant we were, even if we weren’t. But the result was, we never fully grieved. We sucked it up. Put on a brave face. Pretended we were strong and fine when we weren’t. They kept her room the same because to take it down would mean they’d have to face some ugly feelings. And, I mean, look at me. I’m not fine.”
“And how does it make you feel, to admit that?”
“Good…” I close my eyes and let myself feel it. Really feel it. “I’m not fine.”
“Louder.”
“I’M NOT FINE!” I yell into the jungle.
“I AM ALSO NOT FINE!”
“I AM NOT OKAY! AT ALL!”
“I AM A HOT MESS! HEAR ME ROAR!”
I start laughing at our screaming match. “I’m pretty sure they heard us back at the barracks.”
“Ugh,” she says, exhaling heavily. “I don’t want to go back there. I feel like I made a fool of myself. And Lacey is just going to rub it in my face.”
“She won’t. Richard gave her a talking to.”
She pulls back and squints up at me. “I don’t believe that.”
“Believe it. I may have stuck up for you as well, but I’d hope you’d think that’s a given with me.”
Her smile is amused. “I don’t think anything is a given with you, Tai. You have been the grumpiest motherfucker up until recently.”
“Maybe I just needed to get laid.”
She rolls her eyes and winds up, punching me in the chest. “You’re an ass.”
“See, back to basics.”
Tell her how you really feel.
She was brave with you, opening herself up for the first time, do the same with her.
Tell