Lover at Last (Black Dagger Brotherhood #11) - J.R. Ward Page 0,179

the porch of the cabin, Qhuinn breathed in and caught a hint of smoke on the air. Blay had lit up again, and much as Qhuinn hated the habit, he didn’t blame the guy. Hell, if he were into that kind of thing, he’d have busted out the coffin nails, too.

He glanced over. Blay was staring at him patiently, clearly prepared to wait for a response to the question even if it took what was left of the night.

Qhuinn checked his watch. One a.m.

How long was it going to take the rest of Brotherhood to get here? And was this evac plan they were all rocking really going to work—

“I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind,” he replied.

“I’m with you.” Blay exhaled in the opposite direction. “I can’t believe that he’s…”

Qhuinn stared at the trees ahead of them. “I never asked you about that night.”

“No. And frankly, I don’t blame you.”

Behind them, in the cabin, Rhage, V, and John were with Luchas. Everyone had taken their jackets off and wrapped them around the male in hopes of keeping him warm.

Standing in his muscle shirt and his weapons, Qhuinn didn’t feel the cold.

He cleared his throat. “Did you see him.”

Blay had been the one to go back to the mansion after the raids. Qhuinn simply hadn’t had the sac to ID the bodies.

“Yes, I did.”

“Was he dead then?”

“As far as I knew, yes. He was…yeah, I didn’t think there was any chance he was alive.”

“You know, I never sold the house.”

“So I’d heard.”

Technically, as a disavowed member of the family, he had had no rights to the property. But there had been so many killed that no one made any claims to the estate, and it had, according to the Old Laws, reverted to the king’s ownership—whereupon Wrath had promptly given it in fee simple to Qhuinn.

Whatever the hell that meant.

“I didn’t know what to think when I was told they’d gotten slaughtered.” Qhuinn looked up to the sky. The forecast was for more snow, so no stars were to be seen. “They hated me. I guess I hated them. And then they were gone.”

Beside him, Blay went very still.

Qhuinn knew why and a sudden awkwardness had him shoving his hands into his pockets. Yes, he absolutely despised talking about emotions and crap, but there was no keeping the shit down. Not out here. In private. With Blay.

Clearing his throat, he kept going. “I was relieved more than anything, to be honest. I can’t tell you what it was like growing up in that house. All those people looking at me like I was a walking, talking curse on them.” He shook his head. “I used to avoid them as much as possible, using the servants’ stairs, staying in that part of the house. But then the doggen threatened to quit. Actually, the biggest bene of my getting through the transition was that I could dematerialize out the window of my room. Then none of them had to deal with me.”

Even when Blay cursed softly, Qhuinn still didn’t feel like shutting up. “And you know what the real head fuck was? I saw that love was possible when my father looked at my brother. It would have been one thing if the bastard had just hated all of us—but he didn’t. And that just made me realize how locked out I was.” Qhuinn glanced over. Shuffled his shitkickers. “Why are you looking at me like that.”

“Sorry. Yeah, sorry. You just…you’ve never talked about them. Ever.”

Qhuinn frowned and measured the sky again, picturing the twinkling lights of the stars even though he couldn’t see them. “I wanted to. With you, that is. Not with anyone else.”

“Why didn’t you?” As if this was something the guy had wondered for a while.

In the silence that followed, Qhuinn sifted through memories he had never dwelled on, seeing himself. Seeing his family. Seeing…Blay. “I loved going to your house. I can’t tell you what it meant to me—I remember the first time you invited me over. I was convinced your parents were going to kick me out. I was ready for it. Hell, I dealt with that shit at my own house all the time, so why wouldn’t complete strangers do the same? But your mom…” Qhuinn cleared his throat again. “Your mom sat me down at your kitchen table and fed me.”

“She was mortified that she made you sick. Right afterward, you ran into the bathroom and threw up for an hour.”

“I wasn’t throwing