and my life and where I am now, I still go back there. I can't help it. I still live it every day."
"But - "
"No, let me finish. This whole drug thing with you... Look, you didn't fail me. Because you can't fail at the impossible."
Phury felt a hot tear ease out of his eye. "I just want to make it right."
"I know. But it's never been right and it's never going to be, and you don't have to kill yourself because of that. Where I ended up is where I am."
There was no promise of joy in Z's face. No potential for happiness. The lack of homicidal mania was an improvement, but the absence of any sustainable satisfaction in being alive was hardly cause for celebration.
"I thought Bella had saved you."
"She's done a lot. But right now, with the way the pregnancy's going..."
He didn't have to finish. There were no words adequate to describe the horrible what-ifs. And Z had made up his mind he was going to lose her, Phury realized. He'd decided that the love of his life was going to die.
No wonder he didn't want to throw around the thankyous for being rescued.
Z went on, "I kept the Mistress's skull with me all those years not out of some sick attachment. I needed it for when I had nightmares that she was coming back for me. See, I'd wake up, and the first thing I'd do is check and make sure she was still dead."
"I can understand that - "
"You want to know what I've been doing for the last month or two?"
"Yes..."
"I wake up and panic whether you're still alive." Z shook his head. "See, I can reach out through the sheets for Bella and feel her warm body. But you, I can't do that with you... and I think my subconscious has figured out that both of you are probably not going to be around a year from now."
"I'm sorry... shit..." Phury put his hands to his face. "I'm sorry."
"I think you should go. Like, to the Sanctuary. You're going to be safer there. If you stay here, you may not even make it for a year. You need to go."
"I don't know whether that's neccessary - "
"Let me be a little clearer. We had a meeting."
Phury dropped his hands. "What kind of a meeting."
"The closed-door kind. Me and Wrath and the Brotherhood. The only way you stay here is if you quit using and become a friend of Bill W's. And no one thinks you're going to do that."
Phury frowned. "I didn't know there were vampire NA meetings."
"There aren't, but there are human ones at night. I looked it up on the Web. But that doesn't matter, does it. Because even if you said you'd go, no one believes you would, and I don't think... I don't think you believe you would, either."
That was hard to argue, considering what he'd brought into the house and put into his arm.
As he thought about quitting, Phury's palms grew sweaty. "You told Rehv not to sell red smoke to me anymore, didn't you." Which was why Xhex had gone after him when he'd dropped in for that last buy.
"Yeah, I did. And I know it wasn't him who sold you the H. There was an eagle on the package. He marks his with a red star."
"If I go to the Sanctuary, how do you know I won't keep using?"
"I don't." Z stood up. "But I won't have to watch it. And neither will the rest of us."
"You're so damn calm," Phury murmured, almost as an afterthought.
"I saw you dead next to a toilet, and I've had the last eight hours to watch over you and wonder how in the fuck to turn this all around. I'm exhausted and my nerves are shot, and if you haven't tweaked to it, we're all washing our hands of you."
Zsadist turned away and slowly went to the door.
"Zsadist." Z stopped, but didn't turn around. "I'm not going to thank you for this. So I guess we're even."
"Fair enough."
As the door shut, Phury had a strange, disassociative thought that considering all that had just been said was arguably inappropriate.
With Zsadist no longer singing, the world had lost a treasure.
Chapter Forty-five
At the other end of the Brotherhood's compound, about forty feet underground, John sat at the desk in the training center's office and stared at the computer in front of him. He felt like he should be doing something to earn his