should push or when I should back off. Maybe I shouldn’t have promised you I could be supportive when I’m not even sure what that means to you. What does that mean to you, Cary?”
“Maybe you should go home. I think I need to be alone for a while.” I turned my back on her again and reached for the studio door.
“Oh, don’t. Please don’t do that.” I heard her coming closer, and I hesitated on the threshold.
“I don’t know what you want from me,” I told her.
“I can go home, if you want me to. But however you want to look at it, Cary, you’re my home.”
I shook my head. “I need to be alone right now. I don’t need anyone pushing me—”
Her voice was small when she said, “Maybe I don’t push you enough.”
I didn’t say anything. My heart was beating way too fast. Adrenalin was kicking in. My fight or flight response. I was gonna ditch into the studio or upstairs or anywhere but here in a few seconds.
“I understand that you got upset when I tried to throw that surprise party for you. Your parents…”
I turned to her. “I freaked out and embarrassed you.”
“You didn’t embarrass me.”
“Well, I embarrassed myself.”
“You’ve been doing great, Cary. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I am not doing great, Taylor. You don’t need to bullshit me. I’m not that fucking fragile.”
She put her hand on my arm. “I know you’re not. You’re incredibly strong.”
“I just told you to stop bullshitting me.”
Her eyes filled with tears and her hand dropped away. “Cary… if Danica died in a fire, I’d be lost. I’d be heartbroken. I don’t know how I’d ever get over—”
“Well, she didn’t.”
She took a breath. “Look. At the release party, no one’s going to be asking you about Gabe. It’s not like some TV interview or something. It’s just a party with friends. They like your music and they like your face. They just want to see you. You have the power to make people so happy. It’s such a gift. Can’t you see that?”
“Maybe I don’t want to.”
“You make me happy.”
“Yeah? How happy did it make you when I flipped out on you because you tried to throw me a birthday party, then broke up with you? You deserve better than a crazy person.”
“Yes, I do. And I believe you can heal yourself. With time and work. And love.”
“Well, it’s been five years. How much more time should I waste on trying to save myself?”
“Are you serious? How about every moment you’ve got, until you’re in your grave.” She took a step closer, and it killed me to see that determination on her face, those deep, all-seeing eyes. She wanted to help me and I was so sick of letting her down. “You need to face your fears, and get out from under this control they have over your life. You think you’re in control? You’re fucking lost, Cary Clarke. You’re still lost. The day I met you, I thought I was walking into a meeting with a crazy person. But you’re not crazy, Cary. You’re fucking broken and you refuse to try to fix yourself with everything you’ve got. I have never met someone as lost as you are, just standing in one place. You need to find yourself again. Find that part of you that you put aside when Gabe died, that part of you that became a great musician and a rock star in the first place, and a great guy who so many people care about. That guy who wanted something out of life besides growing old alone inside his mansion. Open yourself up again so you can feel joy and dare to get close to people again, take risks again. That’s why your loved ones keep pushing you to come out of your cave. Love, Cary. They love you.”
“No.” I didn’t want to hear it. I didn’t deserve to hear it.
“I love you.”
I barely heard her say it. I was turning to disappear through the door. “Not right now, okay?”
“Then when?” She grabbed my arm and turned me to face her again. “If you won’t let me help you, please just let someone help you.”