“At his memorial service, you said you were broken.”
“I was.”
“I know it was hard for you, afterwards. To put yourself back together. Some people wouldn’t have even been able to do that, Cary.”
I looked away from the sympathy in my sister’s eyes. “It was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. There were times when I felt like I’d died. But there was no relief. No peace.”
“What’s it like now?” she asked.
“I have dreams of water all the time.”
That was all I said. Then I went silent again.
Courteney waited for me to go on.
Next to me, Taylor stirred. She squeezed my hand, gently. I wanted to look at her, but I couldn’t.
I looked at my sister instead. “Did I ever tell you that?”
“No. You didn’t tell me.”
“I dream about Gabe drowning in that bathtub. I don’t know why. He didn’t drown. There was no water. They said he didn’t wake up because of the sleeping pills.”
“I know, Cary,” she said softly.
“The smoke from the fire killed him. He didn’t even run water in the bath. They said he was still in his clothes, lying in the empty bathtub, like he’d laid down to go to sleep. Why would he do that?”
Courteney just shook her head a little, her eyes shining with tears. Clearly, she had no answers. Neither of us did.
“The fire never touched him,” I said. “It was the smoke that killed him. And all I dream about is water. I dream about him drowning.”
Courteney listened, and when I said nothing else, she asked me, “Do you feel like you’re still broken?”
“I think I’ll always be broken. But that’s not Gabe’s fault.” I realized my fingers were still tapping restlessly on the couch, and I stopped myself. “Can you not put that in the book? All that stuff about the water?”
“Okay,” she said softly. “I won’t put that in the book.”
I nodded. Then I just sat there in silence for a long moment. Courteney waited patiently. She didn’t take her eyes off of me.
“Did you know that he couldn’t swim?”
“I didn’t know that,” she said.
“I always thought I dreamed of him drowning because I feel guilty that I can’t save him. One of my therapists said maybe I’m trying to rewrite the event. If he drowned because he couldn’t swim, it’s not my fault anymore. It wasn’t the pills.”
“It wasn’t your fault, Cary,” my sister said softly.
I blinked a couple of times, bringing her back into focus.
Then I glanced at Taylor, but the look in her deep-sea eyes almost killed me, so I had to look away. I raked my hand through my hair. “I don’t think I have anything else to say.”
“That’s okay,” Courteney said.
I got to my feet, and my sister did the same. She walked over and hugged me tight. I buried my face in her hair.
“I’m sorry, Court,” I whispered.
“It’s okay, Cary. You know he’d forgive you, if he could.”
“Yeah,” I said, after a moment. “If he could.”
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Cary
Low
“Just a few… more… steps.”
I led Taylor into my dining room with her hands over her eyes. She was wearing my cheesy, Dean Slater Born Like This T-shirt—her choice—and her panties, and nothing else. I’d turned on the gas fireplace to warm the room up for her; until this morning, I hadn’t turned it on or even stepped foot in this room, probably, in years.
“Okay,” I told her, standing her at the head of the table. “You can look.”
She dropped her hands. “What! This is awesome!” She stared, open-mouthed, at the spread on the table.
I’d set the table for two, with the good dishes, the ones my mom gave me when I bought this place and I never used. They were pretty, and I thought Taylor would like them. I’d put out toast and jam, eggs and bacon, some olives and hummus and whatever else I could find in the kitchen that seemed good for brunch.
I knew she liked white wine, so I’d poured her a glass.
There was also a big bouquet of pink and black lilies in a vase as the centerpiece. I’d had Liam pick the flowers up for her yesterday, after the interview, when I realized I should’ve gotten her something for her birthday. I’d wrestled with that a lot.
On one hand, I wanted to get her a birthday gift.
On the other hand, I hated doing anything that might remind her of what happened on my birthday.
“I would’ve set this up outside, by the pool,” I told