future generation of rock stars—or whatever they were going to grow up to be—for posterity.
I wasn’t ready for kids and marriage and a mortgage. After what happened with Cary and the deep well of secret sadness it sent me into, I wasn’t even sure I knew what the hell I wanted anymore, so forget making babies and committing my life to another human in holy matrimony.
Hard to want anything when the one thing you knew you wanted you couldn’t have.
But I was jealous. It was visceral. I couldn’t help it.
When those babies played together, my whole stomach tied in a knot. My ovaries throbbed. My heart ached.
But babies weren’t the only reason for my envy.
Elle and Seth had gotten engaged; I’d gone to their engagement party, too.
Then Dirty’s head of security, Jude, and his girlfriend, Roni, bought a house together in North Vancouver, not far from Brody and Jessa’s. They threw an epic housewarming party, and I went to that, too. The party was filled with bikers, Jude’s brothers in the West Coast Kings MC, and of course, rock stars.
Cary didn’t come.
I actually thought he might when I saw the crowd. All the VIPs and industry people.
When we were together, I’d fantasized about going to parties like that with him. And that night, I definitely fantasized, once again, that he’d walk through the door. I knew he was almost done producing the Players’ album. Ash had told me it was almost done.
It killed me a little that Cary was doing so well in that area of his life—even though I was so glad to hear it—because he didn’t want me to be a part of it anymore, or even see him. I knew he’d continued working down at Little Black Hole with the Players after he fired me. Ash even said they’d put their search for a guitarist on hold while Cary played for them in-studio; that they were all hoping he’d stick around.
I let myself feed off that hope, too. That he’d get himself strong and get his head straight enough that he could walk into the Players’ album release party. Even if he just showed up for a few minutes. Put in an appearance.
That would’ve been something.
But he didn’t show up at Jude and Roni’s housewarming, and with every party he missed, my hope faded just a little bit more.
That night, I’d ended up hanging out with another blond rock star instead—Johnny O’Reilly—and making out with him.
I only did it because I was so drunk and feeling so sorry for myself. He’d started talking to me first, and he seemed nice. (Though I’d heard from his ex-wife, Amber, that he was not.) He also kissed me first.
So, yeah. That happened.
He was hot. And he kissed good, too. Really good. It just felt so damn wrong having another man’s tongue in my mouth. The idea of another man’s… you know… in my…
Wasn’t happening.
I definitely regretted the whole thing afterward, once I’d sobered up. Even though it was just some kissing.
Other than that, I’d been an absolute nun. Just sitting on the sidelines of everyone else’s love story.
Don’t mind me. I’ll be just fine.
Last Night
Summer and Ronan had a giant, storybook wedding at a fancy country club her parents belonged to, just outside of Victoria, on Vancouver Island. They booked the whole place out and the party was filled with VIPs, family, friends.
It was nothing short of utterly magical. I’d never seen so many white roses and little twinkly lights in one place. It was like being inside a fairy’s magic wand.
Summer wore an amazing dress, and she wore custom jewelry made by my best friend.
And when Summer’s best friend, Elle, gave her toast to the bride, she also raised a toast to the Players. To celebrate their album coming to completion.
While everyone drank to that, I drank to the black hole inside me, trying to drown it.
The album was done.
That was what Danica and Ash had told me. Brody told me. Maggie told me.
Everyone told me.
Except Cary.
I’d waited, fucking glued to my phone.
I’d wanted to text him to ask him about it.
I didn’t.
He told me we’d talk when the album was done. But I hadn’t heard a word from him about it.
At the end of the night, Summer had insisted that we all go home with an armload of roses, because her parents had filled the place with so many. Must’ve been nice to have parents who cared about you so damn much that they made that much of