start at nine. He leaves the studio doors open for me. But today, they’re closed. And he hasn’t returned any of my messages over the weekend. I’m worried, Courteney.”
“I know. I understand.” She breathed a small sigh of worry herself. “There’s an emergency key, in the cupboard above the fridge. You can use it to enter the studio.”
“Really?” I stopped at the door to the poolhouse, considering that. I was relieved to know it was there. But… “No. I don’t want to do that. He’ll see my messages at some point when he checks his phone. I have to trust him to reach out when he’s ready. I can’t betray his trust again.” I let myself into the poolhouse and set my tea down on the kitchen counter.
“Okay. We’ll give it a few days, then. But after that, I might use the key myself. If I’m worried about him. We can see how it goes. But do you want to reach out to Merritt this morning, and ask her to let you know when she communicates with him? He might talk to her first, about work stuff, and she can at least let us know that he’s okay in there.”
“Of course. I’ll do that.”
“Thank you. And please keep me in the loop.”
“I will. For sure. Let me know if you manage to talk to him, too. Or if Xander hears from him. Just so I know he’s okay.”
“I will, Taylor.”
I took a deep breath. I still couldn’t believe it had come to this.
I looked around the poolhouse, the small living room / kitchen area. What was I supposed to do now? Try to do my job on my laptop here, when he wasn’t speaking to me? Or just take off for a few days and leave him to his privacy?
“I still can’t believe I screwed up this bad,” I said quietly. “I hurt him, just like your parents did. He might think of me like he thinks of them now, because I let them in—”
“Don’t do that to yourself,” Courteney said. “This isn’t your fault, Taylor. He doesn’t think of you like he thinks of our parents. I promise you that. This is just what he does to everyone. He did it to Xander, his best friend. He did it to me, his sister. Even when we try to help… sometimes he doesn’t want that help. There’s only so much you can do.”
“I just don’t know how you can help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.”
“Please, please don’t take it personally, and don’t let it ruin this,” she pleaded with me. “You’re helping him. The fact that he’s been working down at Little Black Hole with the band, at all, that’s huge.”
“Yeah. I know.” I took another breath. I’d just get through this, one breath at a time.
Until he was willing to talk to me… I’d just have to wait.
I was strong. I’d been on my own for a long time. I could do this.
I’d been afraid, in my own darkest moments, late at night in my apartment after I’d been through some crushing breakup, that I might be alone forever. Maybe that was why Cary’s situation had hit me in the heart so fast and so damn hard. Because I saw him struggling, on his own, and I knew he’d end up struggling on his own forever if he didn’t let someone in.
I really didn’t have family around who could help and support me, but he had a sister who wanted so badly to help him, and he wouldn’t let her.
“You’re gonna be okay?” she asked me hopefully.
“Yes. I’m okay. Have I told you you’re an amazing sister?”
She laughed bitterly. “I really wish I was. I try.”
“Keep trying.”
“Thanks, Taylor. Keep in touch, okay?”
“You, too.”
After we hung up, I tried to regroup to face this day.
I could set up my laptop in here, and maybe go out on the patio later, and I’d try to work like normal. I’d be in touch with Merritt, and through her and Danica/Ash, I’d find out as soon as anyone heard from Cary. I’d know he was okay in there and just needed some time alone to work, and to sort through the negative emotions brought up by what happened at the world’s worst surprise party.
I’d do some more research on anxiety disorders to try to understand how I could help.
And then we’d talk things through when he was ready.