wanted them to. They lurked in the dark, waiting. Looking right back at you.
Why did it always feel like I was drowning when I reached for her? Right before I touched her…
“Hey, it’s okay,” she said softly, just before I kissed her. Could she tell I was having a nightmare?
My hand slid between her thighs and found her wet center. I slipped a finger inside her and she shivered, gasping into my mouth. Her hips pressed closer to me. My cock was already thudding and I rolled over her, pinning her down and shoving myself between her legs. My knees dug into the mattress. The head of my cock stretched her open. I plunged my tongue into her mouth, my teeth scraping hers.
I thrust into her and she clutched at my hips.
I pulled her hands off me and pressed them down on either side of her head, kissing her until I thought we might suffocate and I didn’t even care. I fucked her in long, determined strokes, grinding my pelvis against her. She whimpered as her orgasm crept up. I could feel it pulsing around me where she squeezed me, her hips jerking against mine. She moaned, sucking on my bottom lip.
Then her teeth bit down on my lip, and I came so hard my brain did a somersault through the blackness. The whirlpool sucked me under.
Don’t take too many of those.
I jerked back, blinking my eyes open. “Don’t….”
“What?” Taylor reached for me as I pulled away. I pulled out. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head, clearing out the darkness. The remnants of ghosts and memories and whispers in the dark. The ones that told me I was at fault. It was my fault.
I gave him the sleeping pills.
I collapsed next to her and buried my face in her pillow, smothering myself in her scent. My heart was thudding too hard. I needed to breathe. “Sorry,” I croaked. “That was intense. I was half asleep, I think.”
She laughed softly. “What a way to wake up.” Her hand trailed lightly over my back, raising goosebumps across my skin. “Happy birthday,” she sighed.
She barely had the words out when I kissed her again. And I kept kissing her so she wouldn’t say it again.
I hated this fucking day.
I never would’ve even told her it was my birthday if she didn’t find out on her own. From my sister. Either way, I didn’t want to talk about it. About this day or anything it meant to me.
She smiled as I pulled back and looked in her eyes. When she looked at me like that, it was like tendrils of light slithering out of the dark to wrap around my heart and squeeze. I still couldn’t breathe.
I looked away. I tried to breathe, deep. Controlled breaths. Four in. Hold four. Four out.
In. Out.
I was falling for her. I knew I was.
I wanted to take a risk with her in a way I hadn’t let myself since Gabe died. I hadn’t let any woman get close to me since then. Since the last one fucked off and I decided I hated the world for abandoning me.
What a convenient excuse to check out of it.
But. Taylor…
She made me wonder what it would be like to let go, to dive right into the deep with her. She was so at ease moving in and out of my shadows. It was the least I could do to try. Really try.
Show up for life again.
Show up for her.
I wanted to make this work between us.
To try to fix myself.
Because what we had… it was so good between us.
As long as she wasn’t asking me questions I couldn’t answer.
She brushed my hair out of my eyes with her thumb, and I met her eyes again. She was gazing at me. She made me feel vulnerable and naked, and the more vulnerable I felt, the more I either wanted to retreat—or take control. I was obsessed with pleasing her, any small way I could. With dominating her in bed. Making her feel good.
It was another distraction.
It also felt good having that control over her. Made me feel like I had some power over this beautiful thing that I had no power over.
“I love you, Cary,” she said softly.
I knew she did. Otherwise, why would she be here?
I wanted to say it back. “I feel overwhelmed,” I said slowly. “I don’t know how I deserve you. But I love you, too.”
She smiled.
I felt like I’d been gutted. My underbelly sliced right open.