Her arm sweeps around the sauna, and before I can stop myself, I follow it with my gaze, and…
Okaaaay. I’ve seen the whole lot. Can’t unsee that.
“Quite a misunderstanding,” Henrik is saying jovially. “Very hilarious.”
“We will eat out on this!” Greta nods, then turns to me, her breasts flopping about. “Is that the correct idiom, ‘eat out’?”
“I…guess,” I say, desperately trying not to see her nipples. “Or ‘dine out’ would be more—oh!” I gasp, as Henrik gets up, swaying all over the place.
“Elsa and John are just coming down as well, by the way,” he says conversationally to Greta. “The sauna will be packed!”
As his words impinge on my mind, I stop dead. Elsa and John are—
What?
It takes a moment for me to comprehend the full horror of this scenario. My possible future in-laws? In a sauna? Naked?
Already I’m on my feet, clutching my towel, my heart thumping, sweat pouring down my face in rivers.
“It was lovely to see you all,” I gabble. “I mean, meet you all. I mean…But I think I’m sauna-ed out. So…er…have fun!”
As I push my way out, my legs are trembling. I need to get changed very, very fast. I need to not see Elsa or John naked. This is my priority.
I drench myself briefly in a shower and dump the wet suit in what seems to be a laundry hamper. Then I shove my clothes on any old how and hurry out of the pool complex, in a state of slight panic. As I’m hurrying up the path, I see Matt approaching from the house and accelerate till I meet him.
“Did you have a nice time?” he begins. “We finished sooner than I—”
“Oh my God,” I cut him off. “Oh my God, Matt. You should have warned me!”
“What?” Matt looks puzzled.
“The sauna!” I half-whisper, half-squeak. “Your family and their friends were in there! Naked!”
“Oh, right.” His face relaxes with understanding. “Yeah.”
I wait for him to say more—but that seems to be it. Is that really all he’s going to say?
OK, I am not a needy person, but in my opinion, “Oh, right. Yeah,” is not a sufficient response at this time.
“Naked,” I repeat for emphasis. “They were naked. All of them. You know how when you do a speech, they say, ‘Imagine they’re all naked, it’ll give you confidence’? Well, that’s a lie! It doesn’t!”
“It’s just the Austrian tradition.” Matt shrugs.
“But it’s not my tradition! I was freaked out! I was like, ‘Oh my God, I can see…’ You don’t want to know what I saw,” I finish meaningfully. “You don’t want to know.”
Matt laughs and I glare at him. He thinks this is funny?
“Did you set me up for this?” I say accusingly.
“No!” He seems astonished. “Ava, I didn’t know anyone else would be there, it didn’t occur to me that you’d take a sauna…basically I forgot. I’m so used to it, I forget. And really,” he adds, lowering his voice as his parents approach us down the path, “is it such a big deal?”
“What?” I begin—then stop. Already Elsa and John are in earshot and Elsa is addressing me: “Hello, Ava. Did you have a good swim?”
“Wonderful, thanks,” I respond with a polite smile. “Such a lovely pool!”
But as she starts telling me about the garden, my head is churning. Indignation is sparking around my body. Is it such a big deal? Is he for real?
Seventeen
By the time we get into the car, an hour later, I’m bursting. I’m actually bursting. Arguments have been mounting up in my mind like planes waiting to land. First, Matt doesn’t warn me about the naked sauna. Then he makes out like I’m overreacting. Then, over tea, he tells his parents that Harold needs training, even though he knows I don’t like him saying that.
Then, as I’m still reeling from that, his parents launch into a half-hour lecture on the eighth wonder of the world that is Genevieve. I know that Genevieve has appeared on the cover of three magazines. And she’s going to film a TV documentary. And she has to have two assistants to deal with all the fan mail she receives.
And OK, yes, Matt tried to steer the conversation away, but maybe he didn’t try hard enough.
And, oh my God, what was that with the cake?
I’m breathing hard as I get into the car and wave at Matt’s parents. “Thank you so much!” I call through the window. “I had a lovely time. It was wonderful!”