“I saw two little kids in a playground once,” Dutch continues. “One was psyching himself up to go on the monkey bars and his friend was trying to help him. He said, ‘You learn by scaredness.’ I’ve never forgotten it.”
“You learn by scaredness,” I repeat slowly. “I like that. So what do you learn, jumping into the sea?”
“You learn you can do it.” He smiles at me, a broad, infectious smile. “Shall we do it together?”
“OK.” I nod. “Come on. Let’s do this.”
I may die, I think calmly as we step forward. This is possible. On the plus side, it’s a good way to go. Girl perishes jumping into sea with handsome guy. That would do.
Dutch takes my hand, and I want to say, “No, I’ve changed my mind!” but somehow my mouth doesn’t move. I’m not really going to do this, I think crazily, as his grip on mine tightens. Surely. I’m not going to…
“One, two, three…”
And we’re over.
As I fall, the air is sucked from my body. I don’t know what to feel. I can’t feel. My brain has been emptied. Gravity is the only force in my life right now. I look over at Dutch’s smiling, encouraging face, feel him squeeze my hand briefly, then let go, as we land in the sea.
The water crashes against my body with more force than I predicted. My legs have been flung akimbo and I’m descending through the cold sea, unable to stop. Down…still down. I need to float up. Why aren’t I floating up? My lung capacity is too small for this….I am going to die, I knew it….Wait, I’m rising again….
And then suddenly I’ve surfaced, spluttering and gasping and spitting out salty water. There’s hair all over my face and my swimsuit is wedged halfway up my bum and my heart is nearly exploding with triumph. My chest is pumping, my blood feels on fire, my mouth won’t stop grinning….That was awesome!
Dutch is about ten feet away, already swimming toward me with an exultant expression.
“You did it!” He high-fives me and I whoop. “It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
“Yes! Incredible!”
Nearby, another teenage boy crashes into the sea, and the wash of waves surges toward us. It’s quite hard work, treading water like this. Not that I’ll admit it, because I like to think I’m pretty fit.
“I have an admission,” I say, above the sound of splashing and cheering. “I was shit scared.”
“You’re kidding,” says Dutch teasingly.
“I thought I hid it,” I say mock-indignantly, and he laughs.
“No chance. Are you OK?” he adds, as a wave catches me in the face.
“Fine,” I say spluttering a little. “Thanks.”
Another swell pushes us together, and suddenly our chests are meeting. Underwater, my legs are bumping against his with the ebb and flow of the waves. Instinctively, Dutch grabs my waist—then at once lets go, looking alarmed, and says, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
“No.”
“That wasn’t—” He cuts himself off.
“No,” I say, a little breathless. “I know.”
“Not that I don’t—” He stops himself again, and something unreadable flickers across his face.
For a moment we stare at each other, breathing hard, hair plastered to our heads, arms moving automatically and rhythmically through the water.
“So,” says Dutch at last, as though changing the subject. “Want to have another go?”
“Sure!” I say, although I can’t concentrate properly, because, was that…? Did we nearly…?
He swims away, toward a metal ladder set into the rock, and I follow, my mind churning. I clamber up the ladder, and then we both start climbing back up the path to the ledge. It’s a narrow track, and as we round the cramped corners, his wet skin brushes against mine. One minute we’re in the shade; the next, the sunshine is beating ferociously down on us. Neither of us speaks, although we’re both breathing heavily. Is that because of the heat or the climb or because…?
Oh God. I can’t stand this. I need to nudge things along. As we emerge onto a broad, sunlit stretch of rock, I come to a halt. Dutch turns and pauses questioningly, his eyes crinkled up against the sun. My heart is hammering, but what the hell? I jumped into the sea; I can do this.
“I’m allowed one personal question, right?” I say bluntly.
“Oh.” He seems taken aback. “Now?”
“Yes, now.”
“Fine. Shoot. What do you want to know?”
“OK. Just now, in the sea, it felt like—” I break off. “It felt like we might— But—” Again, I stop myself. “Anyway. That’s my question.”