To Love a Vampire - A.K. Koonce Page 0,6
to recall when needed.
With Lord Raske’s stature and loud jarring voice, it comes as a surprise that he is a kind and reassuring leader but rejection hurts even with the gentlest of words.
“Thank you, Lord Raske, but I was hoping to speak with you, actually,” I say as neutrally as possible, ignoring the offer of his son that he has thrown at my feet like rotten tomatoes from a heckler. Lord Raske raises his thick eyebrows encouragingly, although he and I both know what I’m about to say. “I would like to help in our militia, even if it’s just the search and rescue teams to help find new people. People like me. I’ve been working with Luca for nearly a year now and my combat skills have improved drastically.” My breathing threatens to increase like my pounding heartbeat but I take even breaths to calm myself.
Kaino shifts in his seat, the muscles of his wide shoulders tensing, and he looks away toward the blemished spindle leg of the table. Declan glances at Raske out of the corner of his silver eyes. Both commanders remain silent. Lord Raske’s attention never leaves my face but his smile falters, slipping at the corners.
We’ve had this same conversation so often I’m starting to feel like I’m trapped in time here. Day in and day out I work in the clinic during the morning and I train with Luca in the evening. I’m allowed to help in stations of the community wherever I like throughout the rest of the day. I’m welcome to join community activities and sports, but I’m not to leave the grounds unattended until my training has met Lorde Raske's approval. I want and need to do something worthwhile.
I need to find him. Or whatever’s left of him. My stomach turns with the dark thought as if I might throw up all the alcohol I’ve dumped into it this evening.
Until I find Asher’s body and lay it to rest like my mother’s, I won’t be at peace. I hate that the word body is in my thoughts. So lifeless and hollow sounding. He could be alive, I remind myself as I swallow hard. My tongue is thick in my dry mouth, making speech feel impossible.
Luca went back for my mother’s body the moment I told her what happened but Asher’s wasn’t there…
“I checked in on your training a few nights ago.” Lord Raske pauses and my jaw is painfully tight while I try to wait for him to finish. “You have shown improvement.” Another breezy smile flashes my way before he continues. “Unfortunately, you’re just not where you need to be yet. I know you have it in you to join the militia.”
My breathing is coming in heaps now and my jaw is screaming in pain at how tightly I have it closed.
“I just don’t want to risk anyone’s lives by sending you out too early. I wish you’d reach out to a few other men,” he emphasizes the word for my benefit. “To get more experience in other combat styles. You are at a disadvantage with your genetics, no fault of your own of course. I see the power, and possibly anger even, you hold within you.” He studies me like a teacher looking at a studious student. “I want you out there, Fallon, I just don’t want to risk you before you’re ready.”
Rapid blinking is all I can seem to manage. Part of me understands he’s right, but an irrational part of me is furious that I’m being rejected. Again. I can’t continue walking these overcrowded grounds. Continue being stared at and thought of as someone’s future wife. The pressure to change their lives, my camp’s lives, to change history, is so pressing I can’t breathe.
I can’t reach out to other males in the village because they don’t want to train me. They want to wed me and get on with our lives. I’m stuck in time but so is everyone else, waiting on me. Waiting for me to make a choice. For me to make the easy choice and accept Kaino already.
My eyes dart to Kaino for just a second, seeking an ally. He sits assessing the drink in his hand, subtly turning the cup back and forth as the alcohol sways within. Not participating in the discussion. Not acknowledging me as a friend in the least.
The thoughts drench my mind in a wave of cluttered emotion but I realize I’m still standing before Lord Raske and I