Love In Slow Motion (Love Beyond Measure #2) - E.M. Lindsey Page 0,73

across all those years he’d known him.

But he couldn’t bring himself to feel guilt over what he wanted. He couldn’t bring himself to feel wrongness when Ilan had been such a force in his life that there was no escaping him. This just seemed like the inevitable end to a long story he hadn’t realized the universe was telling.

He just needed Ilan to stop and listen too.

Fredric was outside listening to the waves when his phone went off, and his heart thudded hard when he heard Ilan’s name. “Are you going to cancel on me?”

Ilan sighed. “No. Why does everyone think I’m so damn unreliable?”

Fredric winced. “I assumed it would have been out of panic,” he answered bluntly. “After that night…”

“Do we have to talk about that?” Ilan asked. “It was a mistake, and I feel bad enough.”

“I don’t want you to feel bad about it,” Fredric told him, his voice a little breathless, and he also didn’t want him to see it as a mistake. Hearing that was like taking a punch to the gut, and it took him a moment to recover. “I don’t want you to ever regret what happens with me.”

Ilan was quiet for a second. “How are things with Hudson? Corinne said you sounded happy.”

Fredric wanted to tell him. The truth was clawing at him, shredding him, but he needed Ilan here first. “I am happy. Or well, I’m happier. I think it’s always going to be a process. Coming to realize that no matter how far I move or what new job I take, I’m never going to wake up without having lived those last thirty-six years with her.” He squeezed his eyes shut and leaned over his thighs. “It was hard to accept. I’m sorry I didn’t handle things well that night.”

“You didn’t…” Ilan started, but Fredric wasn’t done.

“I’m sorry that you were unsettled,” he amended. “We should have talked things out before you left that night, but the time to myself helped me come to terms with a lot of things I needed to realize about who I am.”

Ilan swallowed thickly. “Yeah? Like what?”

“Like because of my past, I’ll probably always be hard to love,” he said and rushed on when Ilan made a noise like he was going to protest. “That getting past this trauma is always going to be work. By the end, I was so damn apathetic about my marriage, I didn’t bother putting up a fight about anything, even when I should have. I don’t want to be that man ever again.”

“I get it,” Ilan said quietly.

“I think I deserve to be with someone who understands all of that,” he said, and he didn’t care if Ilan figured it out right then. “Someone who thinks all this work is worth it.”

“You are worth it.” Ilan’s voice was rough and a little pained, and Fredric wanted to reach through the phone and shake him until he opened his eyes and saw what Fredric was offering him. “You deserve so much more than she ever gave you.”

“So, I’m not settling anymore.” He sat back again and crossed his legs in front of him. “How long until you get here?”

Ilan made a soft, considering noise. “That depends. Do you want help with the cooking?”

“No,” Fredric said around a grin. “If you get here early, you’re going to be sitting around and drinking wine and trusting that I can make something worth eating.”

Ilan laughed, and Fredric’s eyes crinkled at the corners as his smile widened. “Fine. I’m going to hunt around town for a worthy dessert, and I’ll be over before the table is set.”

“I can’t wait,” he said again, and Ilan let out another quiet noise before the line went dead.

Dragging his finger across the phone screen, he heard he had just enough time for a shower before he had to get the oven heating. He moved through the motions at a quicker pace, at least until it came to standing in his closet, and then nerves gripped him.

He had always been one note with his fashion, but everyone had always allowed it. The truth was he had just never cared if he was appealing. His wife never looked at him twice, and he only needed to appear professional in court.

But he wanted to try now. He wanted to be more than some aging old man trying to recapture his youth. He wanted Ilan to look at him and see someone he wanted. He needed to start making every effort, taking