Love In Slow Motion (Love Beyond Measure #2) - E.M. Lindsey Page 0,57
stopped panicking about it, and he got on with his life. He quit worrying whether or not his parents would disapprove, or if God would abandon him for not following all the rules as they were written. He did what had to be done, and he trusted things would work out in the end. Foolish, perhaps, but it was the only way he knew how to function.
Opening his eyes that Saturday morning, he stared at a few of the blurry shapes the sun was making along his ceiling, and he realized that urgency in his life no longer existed. His obligations had fizzled away into a sort of abstract, get your shit together so you can stop being a lonely, miserable bastard goal with no real starting point.
Stretching his back, he thought about his date with Preston the following night, and he wondered if he was going to be any good at it. He understood why Fredric was making such a big deal about all of it now. It seemed like such a small, simple thing. One of those, it’ll be right when it’s meant to be right. Except it was a heavy weight instead, filled with worry and self-doubt, and he wasn’t used to being plagued with that. Feeling inadequate was an old friend, but staring at himself and wondering if he’d ever be good enough for someone’s time long term? That was new.
Rolling out of bed, Ilan slipped into jogging pants and a t-shirt, then grabbed his phone and earbuds from the nightstand. He strapped his arm band on, then took his water bottle from the fridge and headed out the door.
The morning was brisk, the air a surprising chill as he filled his lungs, but he knew it wasn’t going to last. He wriggled his toes toward the tips of his shoes, then rose up to stretch his calves before eyeing the road. This early, the road was almost entirely empty. The sun was low, and as he crossed the street and headed for the little beach bridge he shared with two of his neighbors, he saw the glowing ball hovering just over the water.
Julian would like that, he thought to himself. He’d like it more now that Archer gave him a more profound understanding of how the universe came together. Archer would find a way to make the science of a sunrise romantic, to make Julian’s heart pound and want to kiss Archer until the sun had completed its trek across the sky.
And he loved knowing that. He loved the idea that Julian was being romanced and adored at every turn. It made him smile as he unlocked the gate and shuffled his way across the creaking wood toward the sand. He took a moment to wonder what life would be like right now if he’d never sent that text looking to hire an escort for the wedding. Julian would have gone to keep the peace between him and his mother. He would have been miserable, of course. He would have called, begging for help, and Ilan would have thrown his shifts at someone else and raced down to the Cove to pick him up.
Fredric would still be divorcing Jacqueline—and he comforted himself with knowing that no decision he made in the past would change that. But Julian would still be miserable and lonely—and no amount of feeling small and selfish was worth knowing that Ilan might have had the power to stand between him and the love of his life.
He wouldn’t have robbed Julian of the happiness he found for the world.
With a fortifying breath and ready to run from his quiet pain, Ilan stepped onto the harder packed sand, then took off at a slow jog. The sand still sank under his feet enough to make his calves ache after only a couple minutes, but he wanted that. He hadn’t touched a drink since his phone call with Preston, but he wanted to burn the last remnants of his melancholy from his system and start fresh before Sunday.
Preston at least deserved a chance, and this was the start of that.
When he felt like he’d run for a hundred years, Ilan stopped for a drink, then turned and grimaced when he realized he’d only gone half a mile—if that. His calves were on fire, and his lungs were burning, and the idea of running back made him want to burrow into the sand like a little ghost crab and never come out.