‘She was, but not lovely enough for me to cope with her family.’
‘Well,’ I say, thinking of my own, ‘families can be tricky.’
‘You’re telling me. This little lot were something else. Within two dates, I had to go to meet her mother and was questioned by not only her father, but also by her three brothers – who were huge by the way; I wouldn’t have wanted to take them on in a fight – as to what my intentions were.’
‘Slightly awkward.’
‘Yes very. I’m afraid a couple of dates were enough. I was too scared.’
I laugh. ‘Fair enough.’
‘Then there was “Alexa”.’
‘You dated the app?’
‘No, ha-ha, very funny. She was a nice girl but very blunt, had a habit of saying exactly what she thought.’
‘I guess at least you knew where you stood.’ I don’t add that I would have given anything for Ryan to have some similar traits. Honesty is important in any relationship. It had turned out I obviously didn’t know Ryan at all.
‘A bit too much so. I remember one time she told me I was quite good-looking for a British guy.’
‘Ooh, that’s a burn.’
‘Yep, you’d think I’d have had the sense to run away then, but after the third date, she turned up with another fit Greek god on her arm and told me I was dumped and she was going out with him.’
‘Her loss.’
‘I don’t know about that; he was really very good-looking.’
‘What happened after that?’
‘There were a couple of girls who I just went on a few dates with, but nothing serious.’ He pauses and I feel as though he has perhaps been holding something back. ‘And then I met Laura.’
There’s something in the way he says Laura, something final. As though maybe she changed something. ‘Laura?’ I echo.
‘We went out a few times, then it got serious quite quickly. She was different somehow. There was something fascinating and incredibly attractive about her, but we argued like cat and dog. We were more on and off than a bride’s nightgown.’
I would laugh but somehow it doesn’t seem right to. ‘I guess some relationships are like that. But it sounds as though you had a connection, lots of sparks?’
‘Yes we did,’ he says thoughtfully. ‘Laura was one of those girls who attracts people like a moth to a flame. She sparkled when she was on good form and I fell for it like the idiot I am.’
‘What happened?’
He sounds distracted, far away somehow, even though his voice stays steady. ‘I was really keen on her, yet …’ I wait patiently for him to continue. ‘Yet even then, I had some small niggling doubts that maybe there was more to her than I was seeing. Just sometimes, she would let her mask slip slightly and I would think, did you really just say that? But then within minutes, she would be lovely again and I would wonder if I imagined it all. She made me doubt myself and what I was doing. We rowed like anything as sometimes I would confront her about it and she would laugh at me.’
I’m silent for a moment. ‘That must have been hard to deal with.’
‘Yes, I think people change – or maybe sometimes they’re good at hiding their real colours and you find you never really knew them in the first place.’
‘That’s true,’ I agree. ‘Sometimes it feels as though you never really know someone, however much time you spend with them. And other people you’ve hardly met feel as though you’ve known them all your life.’
‘Yeah,’ he says contemplatively, ‘it’s strange but I feel like I’ve known you forever.’
‘That’s because you’ve been stuck in and had no one else to talk to!’ I feel ridiculously pleased and yet … something makes me deflect the compliment. Ryan would say nice things all the time, but in the end it didn’t count for anything, not after things changed.
‘Maybe, but I don’t think so.’ He breaks off. ‘Anyway, what are you missing most during this lockdown?’
His abrupt change of topic takes me by surprise, but I’m kind of relieved. This feels like safer territory. I still don’t feel able to discuss relationships. Even after all this time, it feels too painful. ‘That’s easy, contact, with the people I care about, my family, my sister. I would do anything just to give her a hug right now. You must miss your brother right?’
‘Definitely. I’d love to see him and Tina and have a