yes to cocaine, yes to that hole. I’m an aggressive, rude slag. I don’t have a sense of humour. Or even a sense of where the bog is. I once pissed in my wardrobe. Ruined thousands of pounds’ worth of suits. Big shame. I don’t like the person I am when I’m drunk or high and I don’t suppose you would. Christ, my own mum doesn’t.’ He pauses and looks really pained. ‘But I don’t know who else I can be.’ He draws breath. The impact of his raw and gravelly honest words hits.
‘Well, there’s bound to be someone,’ I say carefully.
‘You think?’ He turns to me quickly, hopefully.
‘Yeah.’ I want to cheer him up. He hasn’t told me anything I haven’t already read about him (except maybe the peeing in the wardrobe bit), but just because this stuff is often splashed all over the newspapers doesn’t mean it’s not deeply personal and difficult to talk about.
‘Have you ever been around an addict?’ he asks.
‘No, not really. My auntie Linda is a bit too fond of a tipple but she hasn’t started to sell the family heirlooms to pay for her habit yet. Well, she can’t, we don’t have any family heirlooms, but you catch my drift. I don’t know anyone who does drugs. I’ve had the recreational swig of Calpol when I’ve been babysitting for my nieces and nephews, but that’s it.’
‘You’re shitting me?’
‘I’m not. My mates did that Just Say No thing that John Craven and the Grange Hill Kids peddled for years.’
‘Why?’
‘Well, I thought it was because we were all fine upstanding members of the community but the truth is probably that we were only offered anything once and it’s easy to say no once. I guess you’ve been tempted more than most.’
‘Very understanding of you.’
‘I’m only this nice until you sleep with me then I turn into a bitch,’ I joke.
Scott pulls me close to him. My goose bumps bang into his.
‘Addicts are fucking terrible people to care about. They break your heart without even meaning to. And they don’t even notice, let alone worry. Addicts don’t give you a moment’s peace, any respect and their apologies might as well be written on bog roll,’ says Scott.
‘Why are you telling me this? Are you trying to scare me off?’
‘Yeah, I think I am.’
It won’t work. Surely Scott has encountered enough women by now to know that every woman loves a cause. Every woman wants to save and fix. It doesn’t matter if it’s a broken toy that needs glue or broken skin that needs a kiss and a band-aid; we like to be needed. Pathetic or noble, I’m undecided, but it’s where we are after eight million years of evolution. I think that’s why some grannies and great-grannies look back on the Second World War with a certain amount of fondness. The bright side to the carnage and terrible bloodshed, they were at least allowed to fulfil their true vocations; make do and mend is a woman’s battle cry. And there’s nothing we like to mend more than a battered, vulnerable heart. Especially if it comes as a box set with a pair of emerald green eyes.
I trail a finger over his stomach. I think I might have to ask him to put his T-shirt back on in a minute; visual arousal isn’t solely a male thing. ‘Why would you want to scare me off?’ I ask.
‘Because it might be easier if you go.’
‘In what way?’
‘Because I’m beginning to realize that if you stay, everything will be different for ever more.’
Yeeeeesssssssssssssssss.
Is there anything a woman prefers to hear? I’m different. I’ll make things different for ever more. I want to punch the air and hang out bunting but I tread carefully.
‘Different isn’t bad, necessarily,’ I say gently.
‘I know that. But I’m not sure I’m ready for it, what it all means, you know? I want to be. But I’m not sure I am.’ He stares at me, practically begging me with his eyes to understand.
I think I know what he’s on about. He’s on about the really rude C word, Commitment; much more pugnacious to most men than the C word that rhymes with hunt. In the past I’ve had many a rough encounter with the male gene that makes blokes commitment-resistant (think Adam – he’s a fine example) and I haven’t always been that sympathetic. But I can see why Scott might think a change to his free and single status would be something to