pulled out lumps of hair?’ says Fern. She doesn’t understand. Poor thing. Lucky thing. This is it. This is what it’s all about. This is what it’s all for. I’m twitching and jittering. I can’t stay still; I look like I’m auditioning for a part in River Dance.
‘Fuck mate, don’t mess. Just tell me. Top fifteen? That would be good on the first week’s sales, hey? That would be respectable? I mean we haven’t had that much air time yet. The Americans are always cautious.’
I’m justifying my failure before I even know the results. I look at Fern; she pours back an expression of pure sympathy but she can’t wrap me in cotton wool, no one can. I want this so much. I want this more than anything.
‘Number eight, son. Number fucking eight. In your first week. You’ve made it. You’ve bloody made it!’ yells Mark.
I don’t remember how I reacted, no one waited for my reaction. This is gold. I’m swallowed by a mass of screaming and jumping bodies.
64. Fern
When Scott’s chart position is announced to the guests, the party suddenly hikes up a notch in hysteria and intensity. People fling themselves into the pool and into the arms of strangers. I had no idea my friends and family could party so hard. The mojitos and Alabama slammers have taken effect and my nearest and dearest are no longer in awe of the movie and rock stars. They’ve emerged from the safety of their tight, peripheral clusters and are now sprawled among the cool people. In fact, now that the cool people are beery and leery, smudged and shining, it’s pretty difficult to distinguish them from the other guests. Alcohol and sunshine are great levellers.
‘I guess it’s been parties like this every night, hey?’
I recognize his voice before I have to turn. I recognize it despite the fact there’s something unusually hard and sneering in his tone. It sounds as though he thinks parties are a sin, which is definitely not the case; I know he likes a party.
I can’t look at Adam, I don’t know how to greet him. In Hollywood everyone double air kisses but that wouldn’t seem right – just because it’s so over-used – but a handshake would be ludicrous. In the end I settle for staring resolutely at my feet.
‘No, actually. This is the first party we’ve had. We’re more likely to go out for dinner and to bars but even then, not that often,’ I say with a bright and entirely forced tone.
‘Of course, Scottie is sober at the moment. Well, don’t worry, things will liven up when he falls off the wagon.’
‘That’s really not very kind, Adam.’
Adam takes a deep breath and looks out across the scene. ‘No. It’s not, is it.’ He sighs and adds, ‘I apologize.’
I finally force myself to look up at him. It’s a peculiar thing, I’ve been full of trepidation at the thought of seeing him but now he’s stood in front of me I feel strangely relaxed, almost happy – despite his sarcasm. I suppose it’s because we’ve been friends for so long, well, more than friends – obviously. We never had a chaste or platonic stage in our relationship. It was all about longing and lust and then fulfilment. The happy feeling vanishes the moment I realize what I need to ask next.
‘So, you and Jess, are you an item now?’ I want to sound breezy but the words catch in my throat. I hope Adam doesn’t think that means something; that it means anything. He glances at me in surprise. Doesn’t he think I have the right to ask?
‘What makes you ask that?’
‘Well, you are here together. Why else would she ask you to come?’
‘I have no idea. Maybe she thought the place would be full of coked-up wankers and she needed my company.’
Fair point. But it’s notable he hasn’t answered my questions. He’s neatly side-stepped in a way Scott would be proud of. It’s frustrating. I just need to know for sure. One way or the other. There’s a horrible silence that sits between us like a bad smell. I push on.
‘I mean not that it’s any of my business.’
‘No.’
‘I was just thinking about the seating plan for tomorrow.’
‘Right.’
‘I mean should I sit you with a bevvy of young lovelies and Jess with a throng of butch blokes or should I seat you together?’
‘I see.’
‘And that’s the only reason I asked, really.’
‘Right.’
‘I mean it must be pretty intense, since you live together.’