As I walked through the parking lot to my car, I couldn’t help but notice Justin’s truck across the way. I’d known he had class every Tuesday and Thursday night, too, but I rarely saw him—his class was in the building behind mine, for starters, even though sometimes he’d cut through my building to avoid a long walk around. Not hanging out was probably for the better, so we could both concentrate on our education. Unlike me, though, someone who was taking the slow route, Justin was finishing his last semester in auto mechanics and would be certified by the end of the year. The class he took this semester was combined with some sort of internship, so he was working for a mechanic in town who paid him a small wage while Justin learned to do the work in a practical setting and get credit for it.
At least one of us had found their calling.
As I pulled the van out of the parking lot, I spied him walking toward his truck—but he was not alone. A younger woman was walking with him, laughing and flirting. Why, suddenly, did I feel hot tears sting the corners of my eyes? I pressed the accelerator down harder so I could get the hell out of there fast. My children needed me.
On the way home, I realized I kept speeding up, and I’d have to force myself to slow down again over and over. What the hell was I doing? I couldn’t afford a speeding ticket. So I lit a cigarette and sucked it down, trying to slow my heart rate to normal.
And why exactly was I upset? Justin and I had never committed to one another. Seeing him with another girl shouldn’t have bothered me one bit. But, as rational as I tried to be, something gnawed at me. Was I distraught because Justin’s arm was around the girl’s waist? Was it because she looked younger?
No. I already knew he saw other women. Maybe it was easier to know it in the abstract than see it in the flesh, but I had already processed it in my mind as an adult. Not only had I accepted it, I’d been relieved, knowing I didn’t have to be the center of Justin’s world, subject to his beck and call, mercy to his whims. I wasn’t responsible for his happiness. I could be independent, and we could enjoy each other’s company when we mutually agreed to. So then what the hell was my problem? Why did this bother me now when it never had before?
Maybe it was because I was beginning to feel emotionally drawn thin. The week’s events were, perhaps, beginning to take a toll on my mental state.
Stopping my van at a red light, I checked the clock. The numbers were blurry, so I wiped my eyes, settling on the reason why I was so upset. It wasn’t that Justin was with someone else, no matter how pretty or young the girl was. Justin wasn’t a guy I’d ever consider marrying. It was that—for now, at any rate—Justin was gone from my life because we’d agreed to cool things off for a bit. In the past when I’d seen Justin getting chummy with another female, I’d comforted myself with the reminder that he would be back in my bed within a few short days.
So it was possessiveness. I had no choice but to admit it to myself. So did I care for Justin more than I’d wanted to admit, or was it the idea of Justin? As I finally pulled down the side street that would bring me home, I realized I didn’t know for certain which it was. It didn’t really matter, because I was a blubbering baby, miserable, no matter what the root cause was.
Stupid.
Pulling my car into the driveway, I wiped the tears from my cheeks. It was time to be strong again, put on the brave face I wore as a mask. I stepped out of the van, breathing in the cool air before walking across the street to Noreen’s house.
Fortunately, no one there seemed to notice I’d had an emotional breakdown. Noreen mentioned that the kids had been well-behaved. Poor Devon, though. I had to roust him from sleep. Fortunately, Sarah was still awake. Once Devon’s eyes were open, we all walked across the street to our house, and I stopped at the van in the driveway long enough to retrieve my