of the other woman because I couldn’t resist having you in my life. I’m not a jerk, Maddy. I’m really not. And so I realized I had to do something.”
He paused for breath and I wondered if I should say something. But he didn’t look finished, so I remained silent, contemplating what he’d just revealed. It made sense, really, and explained a lot of his mixed messages. But the question was, what would it all mean for us in the end?
He continued. “So I did the cowardly thing—I pushed you away. Tried to make you hate me. I guess I figured in the end that would make it easier for both of us. You’d think I was a jerk who didn’t deserve your love and I’d never be able to go back to you, even if I was tempted. I’d marry Jen like I’d committed to and things would slowly get better between us as memories of you faded away.”
He cleared his throat. “But at the same time, I couldn’t bear the idea of you hating me. And I don’t want to hurt or disappoint you, either. Especially since I have real feelings for you. Strong ones. And I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to do about that.”
I held my breath, nervous butterflies flapping through my stomach as I tried to figure out what the hell he was trying to say.
“I went up to LA and met with Jen yesterday evening,” he blurted out at last, staring into his coffee cup, not ready to look me in the eyes quite yet. “And I told her I couldn’t marry her.”
I stared at him, unable to believe my ears. He’d called off the wedding? He was no longer engaged? He was a free man?
“I told her that I felt we’d been drifting apart for a long time. I no longer felt a hundred percent into the relationship and I didn’t think it was right to go through with it when I was having so many doubts. It wasn’t fair to me and it wasn’t fair to her either.”
I nodded slowly. “How’d she take it?”
“Really well, actually,” Jamie admitted. “She told me she wasn’t shocked I felt this way and that she’d felt the growing distance between us as well. In fact, I think in a lot of ways she was relieved, to tell you the truth. This way she gets to stay in LA and not give up her career and her friends. Which I totally understand and support, you know? She told me she loved me, but realizes that we are two very different people, destined to live two very different lives.” He stared down at his hands. “I can’t say it wasn’t a little weird to have her be so accepting about it, but in the end, I know it’s best.”
“Did … did you tell her about me?” I asked.
“Yes. It was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but I figured it was better to be honest,” he said. “She was bound to find out sooner or later anyway, and I’d rather she hear it from me. She told me she knew I had a crush on you from that first night at dinner. Something about the way I looked at you.” He shrugged. “As usual, you women are a lot more perceptive than us dumb men.”
“I don’t know what to say,” I said truthfully. “It’s a lot to take in.”
“I know. And I’m sorry. Don’t think this puts any pressure on you,” Jamie added. “In the end, this is something I had to do for myself and had nothing to do with my feelings for you. Well, in a way it did, but it goes much deeper than that. So you shouldn’t feel guilty or anything. You were just a catalyst for something I should have done a long time ago.”
Okay, I was confused. Was he interested in dating me now that he was free? Or did he need time on his own for a while to figure things out? “I understand,” I replied at last, even though of course I didn’t.
He chuckled. “Do you? I’m glad to hear that. I’m not sure I understand it all myself.” He rose from his Starbucks chair. “Do you mind if we swing by my apartment on the way back?” he asked abruptly, his voice sounding almost nervous. “Jen had been dog-sitting for me in LA. Once we had the wedding conversation she sent the pooch back