to this bar called Warsaw. It was in Greenpoint—this old Polish space with pierogies and Jell-O shots and weird beers and a dinky stage in the corner.”
I swallowed.
“It was spring—the spring before everything went down, before Edie and Alex broke up, before Kevin left his trunk unlocked with the gun inside, before everything. There was an event at Warsaw, something Edie and I had RSVP’d to for the one-hour open bar, and I remember ordering two vodka Red Bulls, which came in plastic cups the size of Slurpees.” I held my hands out, miming the double-fisting. “They were both for me, so I could keep drinking for free after the open bar ended. I have a flash of myself shortly after, holding a bag and freaking out; apparently I was so drunk, I’d taken my free swag bag, like a promotional tote bag, you know? And then I convinced myself I’d stolen it from someone else. Almost like dream-logic.”
Tessa didn’t say anything, so I went on.
“I started making eyes with this guy as soon as I walked in. Eventually we started chatting, and he kept circling back to me while still hanging out with his friends. I blacked out around that point in the night, but Edie saw the rest. Apparently he and I flirted for a while, then were apart for a bit, and then I saw him making out with another girl. And apparently I…I just lost my shit.” Hot tears pressed into the washcloth; I wiped my nose.
“I was outside smoking when the girl came out by herself, and I…I attacked her, Tessa. I scratched her with my nails and just kept lunging at her, clawing and screaming.” I let out a few rickety sobs. “I went for her face. I drew blood. I woke up the next day with what looked like rust under my fingernails and—and dried blood on my forearms.” All I could remember from that night was a sense of rage, a deep conviction that someone was wrong, mingling with this weird elation, like bright barbs on top of a ball of fury.
I took a deep, wobbly breath. “Anyway, Edie succeeded in pulling me off her and shoving me into a cab, and the girl’s friends came and grabbed her and Edie took me home. I’m so fucking lucky I didn’t get charged with assault.”
“You are,” Tessa said, after a very long time.
“I know. The next morning I made Edie promise not to tell anyone, and she never mentioned it again.” Of course, for years I’d believed that Edie could be trusted, that she’d never told anyone what had happened with my mom ten years earlier. But she had—she’d run to Sarah and shared that secret. Maybe she’d spread this one, as well. Maybe everyone knew about the Warsaw Incident, too embarrassed to bring it up but quietly disgusted by me.
“But now you know,” I said. “So you can just stay away from me instead of finding out the hard way. Like Josh. Or Lloyd. Or Edie.”
I lay stock-still for another long beat, until I began to wonder if Tessa was still there. Then I felt a kiss on my forehead, just above the towel.
“You get some rest, okay?” she said. “I have to go to work.”
“Nooo, stay with me.”
“I can’t. But you’ll feel better after you get some more sleep. Text me and let me know how you’re doing, okay?” She gathered her things and left.
Three glasses of water and two pukes later, I managed to drag my laptop into bed with me and watch hours of a sitcom. Every blast of commercials, blaring and spastic, reignited my headache; every time, I rushed to mute it and then had nothing to do for ninety seconds but sit with my toxic, worthless, out-of-control self.
Eventually the trapezoid of sunlight sliding across my room disappeared into the ceiling. No one had called or texted me; outside there were birds singing, kids playing, people imbuing the world with bubbles of laughter and small, kindly acts. Not actively causing harm, not ripping others open at the seams so their blood would drip onto the ground. What was running through my head when I planted my palms on Josh’s chest and shoved with all my might? Had dopamine spurted over my brain as his eyes bugged in fear, his arms flailing uselessly?
I made it to the bathroom in time to throw up again, words flooding my brain, the internal dialogue growing louder, louder, louder. I lay