I moved the pointer, ready to click, then sat back again. Could I do it? Face the nightmare that’d haunted Sarah for months? Would this fuck with me, too, weave its way into a dream or vision or made-up memory of the moment after the gun went off, me standing there with the recoil still pulsing through my arm?
I balled both hands into fists, mashed them into my chin, a bad silent-film actress pantomiming indecision. Then my right hand jolted out and double-clicked.
A notification. Password-protected. Pursuant to New York State law, inaccessible without a key.
Annoyance took over, and I played around with different apps and programs and ways of seeing previews, all to no avail. I gave up and Xed out of the folder, awash in relief. Tomorrow I’ll ask Tessa to find a way to access them for me, I thought showily, knowing full well I never would.
I chose a folder labeled SWMODEL399MM, then realized it contained technical specifications about the bullet and gun. I moved on to the next folder and gasped: the 911 call, a recording and a transcript. My mouse hovered over the audio file, but I couldn’t do it; instead, I opened up the text.
NEW YORK POLICE DEPARTMENT
Brooklyn, NY
9-1-1 CALL TRANSCRIPT
9-1-1 CALL FROM: Sarah Kwan
CALL TO: NYPD 9-1-1
DATE: 8-21-09
RE: 11-441957
Q: Christopher Fuchs
NYPD Dispatcher
A: Sarah Kwan
A: Oh my god!
Q: (Inaudible) 9-1-1 (inaudible) this call is being recorded.
A: Is this 9-1-1? Oh my god. Hello?!
Q: It’s 9-1-1.
A: Hello?! (Unintelligible.)
Q: Ma’am, I need you to stop screaming so that I can hear you.
A: My friend, she (unintelligible)! Oh my god!
Q: What’s happening?
A: Oh god! No! Oh my god! My friend is all bloody! She needs an ambulance!
Q: What’s wrong with her?
A: Oh my god. You need to send someone! Quickly!
Q: Ma’am, listen to me. I need you to calm down so I can understand what’s going on. What’s wrong with your friend?
A: I think she’s been shot!
Q: You think she’s been shot?
A: There’s blood on the ground, oh my god, oh my god.
Q: Listen to me. I need you to stop screaming so I can…
A: (Unintelligible.)
Q: Ma’am, are you listening? Take a deep breath and calm down so I can understand you.
A: (Unintelligible)…touch her, don’t touch her! Is it OK if he checks her?
Q: Before anyone touches her I need you to give me the address so I can send the ambulance right away. OK?
A: [redacted] Hurry, oh my god, please hurry.
Q: OK, the ambulance is on its way, now listen, I’m going to transfer you to the paramedics so they can give you CPR instructions, OK? Don’t hang up.
A: Wait! So he shouldn’t touch her?
Q: Listen to me, I’m going to transfer you to—
A: There’s no pulse! Oh my god, he said there’s no pulse, please hurry, please hurry.
Q: I’m transferring you, don’t hang up! (Call is transferred to NYFD.)
Mr. Gonzalez, NYFD Dispatcher
Q: New York Fire Department.
Mr. Fuchs, NYPD Dispatcher
Q: NYPD with a transfer (inaudible).
A: …please, oh my god!
Mr. Gonzalez, NYFD Dispatcher
Q: Fire Department, what’s the address of your emergency?
A: [redacted] She’s not breathing, she doesn’t have a pulse.
Q: [redacted]
A: Oh please hurry!
Q: What’s the phone number you’re calling me from?
A: [redacted] Quickly! Please?
Q: [redacted]
A: That’s right, yes.
Q: What’s your name?
A: Sarah Kwan. Oh my god, I don’t know what to do, she doesn’t have a pulse, oh my god.
Q: OK, exactly what happened?
A: Please hurry!
Q: (Inaudible.)
A: It looks like she got shot! In the head!
Q: With a gun?
A: Yes! Oh my god, I see the gun, oh my god, oh my god! It’s by her hand!
Q: OK, ma’am, I’m sending the paramedics right now. They’re on their way. Please do not touch the gun.
A: Oh my god, oh my god! (Sobs.)
Q: How old is she?
A: How old is she?
Q: Yes, her age.
A: Twenty-three. (Inaudible.)
Mr. Fuchs, NYPD Dispatcher
Q: Hey, FD, hold on a second. Did she shoot herself?
A: I don’t know! It looks like it! There’s a gun! Oh, please!
Q: You see the gun?
A: Yeah, it’s right by her! It’s on the ground next to her.
Q: OK. We’ll get the police and the paramedics…
A: Where are they? Where are they?
Q: I need you to not touch the gun, OK? Can you do that?
A: I don’t know what to do, oh my god, I don’t know what to do. (Sobs.)
Q: Ma’am, I need you to calm down and listen to me. Do not touch the