CHAPTER 14
Diane always had the feeling she was on the outside looking in. Even before her parents had died. She’d been different. She had been different and she’d always known it. She had never felt accepted until the team had allowed her on that first mission. Until every last man had voted her in, not because her uncle was their commander but because they had trusted her to watch their back. They had trusted her to do her part and theirs if needed.
She’d found her niche in a world of blood, violence, and to her, ultimate justice. She’d been accepted, but there was still a part of her searching. A part of her that had looked around and wondered if that was all there was.
Until the night she had opened her eyes to see Lawe standing over her. To see him cutting the ropes from her, felt him pick her up and carry her out despite her protestations that she could still walk.
She would have fallen flat on her face and he had known it. She had known it. And he had carried her to safety while ignoring her protests.
Even then, barely conscious, dazed from the pain and the beatings her captors had inflicted, Diane had recognized that “something” she had searched for. She had realized it wasn’t a thing, but someone. A feeling, an emotion she had shied away from since the night Padric had died.
It had been love. That first look, the touch of his fingers against her cheek, the low croon of his voice as he promised her she was safe.
She had been waiting for Lawe.
The second time she saw him, she had looked at him and realized how hopeless having him might be.
He wasn’t just powerful, he wasn’t just dangerous. He was supreme male power with advanced fighting skills. But he wasn’t willing to share his world with her. She had seen it in his eyes, heard it in his voice. Felt it in the tightening of her chest and the feeling of being restrained, held back and protected.
He wanted her to forget her own needs, her training and her hunger to make a difference. He wanted to hold her back, for her to always know there was more for her and yet to know that she couldn’t have it and have him as well.
No, she would always have him. Mating heat ensured that they would never let each other go entirely. What she couldn’t have was any peace in it and still be herself. She couldn’t be complete.
She would always be on the outside looking in, and she hated that feeling. She would watch him leave to do whatever he would be doing. Overseeing missions, of course, or perhaps the rumor she had heard that Jonas intended to promote him to assistant director wasn’t just a rumor. Whatever his particular role, he would still be a part of the missions; he would still be commanding, directing, fighting for what he believed in. And she would still be on the sidelines wishing she were there. Wishing she had at least that much to remind her that she wasn’t a drain on oxygen. That she was helping.
As the SUV pulled beneath the hotel’s wide canopy Diane knew this would be her last mission if Lawe could arrange it. And there was no doubt in her mind that Lawe would definitely arrange it.
Waiting as Rule jumped from the front and opened Lawe’s door, she could feel the protectiveness suddenly closing around her, threatening to smother her.
She could feel Lawe’s gaze as she slid across the seat rather than jumping from the other side as she would have normally done.
Could she handle it? she wondered. Could she actually find a way to live with it?
Sliding from the vehicle, Diane was aware of Josiah joining them, moving in just behind her as Lawe placed his hand at the small of her back and urged her forward. As though she needed to be led rather than do the leading herself.
“Where’s Thor?” she asked as they moved through the automatic doors and across the wide receiving area to the short flight of stairs that led to the lobby.
“I’ve teamed him with Emma and Sharone,” he told her as they stepped up to the lobby. “They needed the stability right now.”
Emma was Ashley’s sister, and Sharone was the same as a sister. A littermate who had been trained alongside Ashley and Emma in Russia. They were close, and no doubt suffering the pain and fear that they would lose the vital, laughing young woman they relied so heavily on to vanquish the sometimes dark fears that haunted their lives.
“Stability?” she asked as they headed to the elevators, wondering if perhaps one of the girls’ rage was in danger of giving way to feral fever.
She felt closed in, as though the walls were moving in on her, as though she were being deprived of air, of freedom, and the only way to survive it was to find a way to push it back.
“They’re reeling from Ashley’s attack.” His hand moved to her hip, tightening, seeming to pull her closer as they stepped into the elevator. “They’re looking for revenge for Ashley and there’s no way to attain it. I’m hoping he can keep them out of trouble.”
“He’s good at that.” Diane concentrated on the digital display of numbers as the elevator rose.
She remembered a time when vengeance had been all she had thought of. When Padric had been taken from her and the team and Thor had been there for her as well. He had let her fight. He had let her take the lead and he had made certain when the grief had overtaken her that she hadn’t been alone.
“How long will he be with them?” Had Lawe taken him out of the equation because he had sworn he wouldn’t allow him to restrain her freedom?
Of course he had. He knew, if push came to shove, he would have to fight Thor, and she would never forgive him for it.
“Not much longer,” he told her. “The girls will return to the Citadel, the Coyote base, with the coya—she’s here at the moment to oversee Ashley’s progress. She’s close to all three girls and refuses to leave Ashley while she’s in the hospital.”
Diane nodded slowly, aware of Rule and Josiah glancing at her and then to Lawe, their expressions concerned.