Her gaze jerked to his face. She was well and fully clothed, but in that moment she felt naked in front of him. Could he tell that the sight of him excited her? Did he know that his mere presence in her bed helped her to sleep? Could he read all that on her face? “Good morning.”
“Sleep okay? You’ve got dark smudges beneath your eyes.”
“I didn’t sleep enough, but I’ll be all right. We should get going. I want you to get this object back, whatever it is, and clean this mess up as soon as we can so I can get back to my life.” Such as it was.
“That’s my plan too.” He pushed up on his elbows. “Thank you for coming with me.” She finally felt able to look him in the eye again. “I only came because I had to.” He held her gaze. “Really? Is that true?”
Her impulse was to look away, but she was mesmerized by the look in his eyes. “Why did you reject me all those years ago, Ronan?”
The question had slipped out on a whisper, without her even understanding she’d asked it until it was too late. Those words had been locked up within her for so many years, it felt great to finally let them free. Even though coldness at the possibilities of Ronan’s answer coated her stomach and throat. She’d imagined them all at some point over the years. I never loved you topped the list of her nightmares.
She barreled ahead, suddenly sorry she’d asked. “The queen was ready to allow us to marry and I really thought you”—she swallowed hard—“cared about me. Then out of the nowhere you stood up in front of the court and rejected me.”
He exhaled slowly. “I was stupid, Bell. I thought I was protecting you from what our union would bring.” He paused and rubbed his face with a hand, looking weary all of a sudden.
Bella blinked. That wasn’t one of the answers she’d imagined. “That makes no sense. What does that mean?”
Ronan reached for her hand, but she pulled away before he could touch her. His hand closed into a fist.
“You have Unseelie blood.”
Her heart stopped, skipped, and then began beating rapidly. “How can you know that?” she whispered.
He shook his head. “I’m not sure how I know. It’s a part of my power. I just do. Your blood sings to mine. It’s one of the things that first attracted me to you, but, Bella, if they ever found out, the Summer Queen would toss you out of the Seelie Court. You don’t have the novelty of powerful magick to keep yourself in her favor.”
She swallowed hard. “I am aware.”
He took her hands. “Imagine if we had children, you and I. Any offspring of ours would have strong, dark magick and the Seelie Court would know. I thought that if I left you, if we never created a child together, you’d be safe. Even though it would kill me to watch it, I thought you’d find yourself a Seelie nobleman and have children with only a small bit of Unseelie in them. You’d be all right.” She’d been so in love with Ronan—and so young—she’d never thought very deeply about the possibility of having children with him. Infertility was rampant among the fae, keeping their population low, but it was possible she and Ronan could produce offspring who had strong dark magick. And they wouldn’t be able to use birth control to prevent conception because no method of birth control for the fae seemed to work. Not even condoms were effective. When a fae female conceived, it was a little like magick—it just happened, no matter if the couple had been taking every precaution.
It was dumb. She should’ve thought about it. After all, she remembered the disgraced Maugin family who had been banished from the Rose Tower after their child had turned up Unseelie. That family’s wealth had been based on their lineage, and they’d been supported financially by the rest of the fae.
Surely they’d slipped into poverty now, unless the Shadow King had taken them in. They’d lost everything. Her family would’ve too, if she’d been discovered as a child.
She narrowed her eyes at him. “Did you love your place at the Seelie Court more than you loved me?”
“No!” He swore low under his breath. “I don’t give a damn about the Seelie Court. I’d leave it tomorrow if it weren’t for you. You cared about your place at court, Bella. That’s what I was protecting.”
She stared at him in stunned silence for a several moments before whispering, “I never loved it more than I loved you, Ronan.”
“I know that now, though I didn’t realize it back then. I made a mistake and I paid for it. I could never move on after I let you go. I found my soul mate in you and losing you slowly destroyed me over the years. Still, better me than you, Bella. Back then I thought banishment from the Rose Tower really would destroy you.”
“You were wrong. All I needed was you.” The rest of the words she could’ve said left her, and all the saliva on her tongue dried up. Bella exhaled slowly and got off the bed. She needed some time to absorb what he’d told her. She’d spent years imagining he’d say something . . . well, something other than that.
Once off the bed, she whirled to face him. Seems she had words after all. “Why didn’t you tell me back then why you were rejecting me? Why did you let me live all those years thinking I’d done something wrong or that you’d used me in some way?”
“I thought it was better if you hated me. I assumed that if I told you I knew you had Unseelie blood, you’d argue with me. You might have wanted to leave the Seelie Court to be with me and I couldn’t allow that.”
“Yes, you’re right. That’s exactly what I would’ve done.”
He pushed off the bed and paced to the bathroom and back. “You’re in the highest ranks of the Seelie, Bell. You’ve had money your whole life. You’ve had luxury and servants. If the Summer Queen threw you out of the Seelie Court, you’d have to give all that up. You’d live in poverty. You don’t know how hard it would be—”
“Don’t treat me like I’m a child, Ronan! Don’t assume I’m some ignorant, lovesick woman who, in her naïveté, assumed life would be all puppies and sunshine as long as we were together. I knew back then that leaving the Seelie Court would be hard. Don’t you think, knowing that I had Unseelie blood, I would have considered it?” She clenched her fists and made a frustrated sound. “All I want—wanted—
was to be with you, Ronan. I would”—she made another sound of frustration—“would’ve given up any amount of physical luxury in order to bind my life with my soul mate’s.” She bored a hole into him with her gaze. “I knew back then you were my soul mate, Ronan. Knew it.” Ronan only stood and stared at her with an unreadable expression on his face.
Bella drew a shaky breath, gathering herself, and waved a hand. “It’s done now, all over with. Out of love and a desire to protect me, you made a high-handed decision that ruined my life. I get it.”
“It ruined my life too, Bella. I can only say that I thought I was doing the right thing for you.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “Well, you weren’t.” A breath huffed out of her. “So why tell me all of this now?”