Look - Zan Romanoff Page 0,48
the last too. The only.
“I love you too, Lulu,” Owen says. “Always, okay?”
It’s the first time he’s ever said it and not kissed her after. Lulu notes the absence. She allows herself to notice that it aches, but also that the pain is duller than it used to be. It’s a little bit distant now. No longer a fresh wound. Instead she feels the particular dullness of the beginnings of a scar.
* * *
Downstairs, Kiley is asleep in the tent. Owen kneels at the entrance, about to crawl in and wake her. “I’ve got to get her home,” he says. “She has curfew soon.”
“You good to drive, man?” Ryan asks.
“I’m good,” Owen says. “I quit drinking a few hours ago.”
Ryan turns to Lulu. “What about you, Shapiro?” he asks. “Up for more?”
“You know,” Lulu says. “I’m not.”
She can’t remember the last time she was this tired. She can’t remember the last time she went home before she was sure the night was well and truly over. She never admits to her friends that she’s tired. She never says out loud that sometimes, she’d really rather be alone. “I might call myself a Ryde or something.” It’ll be expensive, and even pricier to get back to pick her car up tomorrow. But she can’t stay here anymore.
“Suit yourself,” Ryan says. He turns away.
Cass draws up close to Lulu. “I was going to say I could drive you,” she says, low. “But, you know. Actually I probably shouldn’t.”
“You definitely shouldn’t,” Lulu says. “And like—whatever. It’s fine.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Lulu says.
“Are you—”
“I thought you didn’t want to hear about this stuff,” Lulu says, trying to sound light. “About boys.”
“This is more than boys,” Cass says. “And I just—I wanted you to know that you could stay. If you wanted. We’d want you to. I’d want you to.”
“Are you trying to say that seeing that video didn’t, like, change anything for you?” Lulu is demanding something, and she doesn’t know what. She’s so tired. There’s nothing left in her but instinct.
“Ryan said he told you something, earlier. About me.”
“He did.”
“He shouldn’t have.”
All the hope Lulu has been nurturing contracts inside of her. “I can forget it if you want.”
“No, you don’t have to. I just meant—if anyone understands—I mean.”
There are no words left. Lulu reaches out for Cass, and Cass comes. She curls against Lulu’s body, and even though she’s taller, she leans her head down to rest on Lulu’s shoulder. She murmurs, “All I’m saying is, if you wanted to, you could stay.”
* * *
Lulu FaceTimes Bea when she gets home. It’s not even that late—the darkness, its early fall, just made it seem that way.
When Bea answers, she’s still in bed in a pitch-black hotel room.
“Shit,” Lulu says. “Sorry. Did I wake you up?”
“Yeah,” Bea says. “Kinda. It’s, like, seven in the morning.” The screen shows Lulu more sheet than face.
“I can call back some other time,” Lulu says. “I should go to sleep anyway. I just had a weird night.”
Bea fumbles the phone as she puts on her glasses. “Weird how?”
“Owen and I talked for the first time since—you know. Like, really talked.”
“Oh.”
Bea doesn’t say anything else. Lulu lets the silence linger. She really doesn’t want to put anything heavy on Bea right now. She just wanted to hear a different voice in her head before she went to sleep—something that wasn’t Owen saying goodbye to her, or Kiley laughing at her. Or Cass, saying she could stay.
“You’ve never really talked to me about that, you know,” Bea says. “What happened. Why you guys broke up.”
“What’s there to say, B?”
“I don’t know, Lulu.” Bea’s voice gets stiff. “Because you won’t tell me.”
“I just called you!”
“Yeah, because you’re upset, but it wasn’t because you actually wanted to tell me anything. Didn’t you think, Bea and I will have a gossip, and then I’ll go to bed?”
“Jesus. I just said I had a weird night.”
“Yeah, no, I—whatever. I’m kind of out of it. I was out late with the cousins last night. Charles bought me some vodka shots. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Okay?”
“I should go. I’ll be home for New Year’s. Or you can call me tomorrow, if you want.”
“I—okay. Sorry for waking you up.”
Bea shrugs. She waves, blows Lulu a kiss, and presses END on the call.
Lulu stares at the black of her screen and feels like fucking shit.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
THE FIRST THING Lulu sees on her phone in the morning is a Flash message from Kiley that just says sorry.
She’s feeling