Logging - Nick Spalding Page 0,9

of these to the fact that I’ve been getting that sharp ache in my neck and shoulders . . . and I haven’t been sleeping well either.

What does it all mean?

I know I’ve got the stress of work to deal with, but that surely can’t account for all of this? I’ve done plenty of presentations for potential clients before, and not once have I nearly shit my pants. Neither have I been robbed of the ability to talk like a normal human being.

No. Something is clearly very, very wrong with me.

‘Gludy hell,’ I say, under my breath, as the elevator continues its descent.

Without even thinking about it, I pull out my phone and bring up the HowUPooing app. I figure I’d better chronicle the emergency download I’ve just had to make at Fluidity’s offices.

I select ‘DIARRHOEA’ and ‘PAINFUL BOWEL MOVEMENT’ from the app’s generous selection of choices, and am dismayed when the phone bongs at me ominously, and a message in red pops up on the screen that reads ‘These symptoms may indicate a serious health issue. Please consider seeing a doctor.’

Well . . . that says it all, doesn’t it?

If the poo app thinks I should see a healthcare professional, then I’d bloody well better do what it says.

After all, if I trust apps to tell me what to eat, where to go and who to date, why wouldn’t I trust them when it comes to something like my health?

So that’s what I’m going to do. See a doctor.

I’m also going to do something about Zap bloody Graphics. None of this would have happened today if he hadn’t ripped off my Fluidity designs!

Oh yes. Andy Bellows shall have his revenge. Of that there is no doubt. I will stalk Mr Zap Graphics Andy for a while, taking careful note of how he operates – and then, when I know everything I need to know about him, I will strike!

Aha!

After all, as the famous saying goes:

Revenge is a dish dat is gest served gold . . .

Chapter Two

DR GOOGLE

. . . except for the fact that Zap Graphics did not rip me off in the slightest, and those idiots over at Fluidity are all comprehensively mad.

The second I got home, I fired up my laptop and went straight to the Zap Graphics website, where I saw that he had uploaded a few of the designs he’d presented to Fluidity on his portfolio page. It’s something we all tend to do, as the Internet is the greatest shop window us graphic designers have.

And for the love of crap, would you look at them?

OK, there are a few similarities in colour and methodology, but his designs are hardly ‘exactly the same’ as mine. After all, we were both pitching our ideas for a campaign at an ultra-trendy fashion house . . . of course our concepts were going to cross over, to a certain extent.

And, if I’m being honest, Zap Graphics Andy is very talented. In many ways, I prefer his ideas to my own.

Grrrr.

That’s as well as may be, but I would still have had a chance at the contract if bloody Winery Smalls and sodding Pikky hadn’t made out that me and Zap had come up with virtually identical designs!

I would have never got as angry as I did, and probably wouldn’t have locked up my jaw!

Which is still locked up, by the way. As I sit there looking at the Zap Graphics website with mounting frustration, I can feel the muscles in my jaw tightening involuntarily, making the situation even worse.

So, before I end up fusing my teeth together completely, I click away from Zap’s website, and instead go on to Google to see if it can tell me what all of my symptoms mean.

I find a reputable-looking site called Symptopia.com – which purports to be able to diagnose any illness you might have, using its extensive database and patented algorithms. That sounds pretty good to me.

I type the following into the site’s search engine:

Lockjaw

Sharp stabbing pain in head

Diarrhoea

Irritable bowel syndrome

Neck pain

Shoulder pain

Interrupted sleep.

And press the enter key.

The website thinks about things for a few seconds, before spewing out a list of ailments that I could be suffering from.

There’s about two dozen of the bloody things – but I’m afraid the only ones I pay any attention to are the ones that feature the dreaded C word . . . of which there are no fewer than seven.

Yes, the extensive database and patented algorithms are telling me that there’s